Ball Girl #036: Does anyone else think that Man City's new recruit Erling Haaland looks like handsome squidward?

Want the scoop on sports but don’t feel like translating ‘bro’ language? You’ve come to the right place.

Can I have your number?

1. 75: Number of years the NBA has been around - the 2021-2022 season marks the 75th Anniversary of the NBA. To celebrate, the NBA selected a team “comprised of the 75 greatest players in league history.”

NBA

Round 2 of the NBA playoffs are officially underway. What’s that mean? There’s only 4 series remaining, and we’ve got your spark notes summary for those who didn’t do the reading 😜

• Feast for the East

  • #1 Miami Heat (3) vs. #4 Philadelphia 76ers (2): 76ers’ Coach Doc Rivers says he wants to burn the tape of game 5, and I think that about summarizes it. Like your boyfriend in a SoulCycle class, Philly just couldn’t find their groove with turnovers, bricks, and low energy. Miami capitalized on the opportunity and are now just one game away from eliminating them for good.

  • #2 Boston Celtics (2) vs. #3 Milwaukee Bucks (2): Celtics’ Al Horford is 35 years old and primarily a defenseman, but he scored an uncharacteristic 30 points to help win Monday’s game. What happened? Well, Giannis dunked on him, pissed him off, and awoke a BEAR. Horford dunked right back on Giannis (holy hops) and swatted him on the nose on the way down. I mean this was as athletically poetic as a son spanking his insolent child....

• Quest for the West

  • #1 Phoenix Suns (3) vs. #4 Dallas Mavericks (2): The Suns headed into this series as the most dominant team in the NBA but the Mavs have been giving them more difficulty than a pimple on prom night. So to continue with my metaphor, last night the Suns took them to the dermatologist for a cleansing facial. They destroyed the Mavs, winning by 30 points, and now in game 6, they have a chance to eliminate them for good.

  • #2 Memphis Grizzlies (1) vs. #3 Golden State Warriors (3): Have you heard that tiktok noise? The one wear the a dagger is plunged into your heart (guys I’m not a serial killer I swear this is mainstream). Well that is the sound I heard watching the Grizzlies’ game last night. They were down 1-2 in the series. They were missing their superstar Ja Morant. And they were winning for majority of the game! Until the last 45 second, when unfortunately, it counts the most. Grizzlies are now trailing 3-1 in the series. They aren’t dead in the water yet but basically on life support.

So you don't have FOMO and know what I'm talking about...

Winner, winner chicken dinner

• Lastly the moment we’ve all been waiting for....the MVP of the 2021/2022 season has been announced as Nikola Jokic of the Denver Nuggets. This was a controversial decision as Nikola is undeniably an amazing player BUT, his team barely qualified for the playoffs and then was immediately eliminated. Jokic won this award over players like Giannis (Bucks), Joel Embiid (76ers), and Luka Doncic (Mavs), all of whom are still in the playoffs on dominant teams. I compare this to the ABC producers picking the next bachelor and deciding to go with a guy who was eliminated during the first rose ceremony. Meanwhile Jokic be like

NHL

Underdogs rule Round 1 so far

When the series is tied 2-2, the winner of game 5 goes on to win the series about 80% of the time. With those odds, its looking like we’ll see the Maple Leafs, Hurricanes, Blues and Kings move on... But tune in for game 6 this week to see.

Eastern Conference:

• Florida Panthers (2) vs Washington Capitals (2): The Panthers are on the struggle bus and barely escaped a deathly loss in game 4 last night by squeaking into OT with a last minute lucky goal. They then won in OT from a rebound goal by Carter Verhaeghe which almost got overturned. Now this series is evened out at 2-2, and the Panthers have some serious reflection to do.

• Toronto Maple Leafs (3) vs Tampa Bay Lightning (2): The Maple Leafs just eked past the defending champions in the decisive Game 5 of the series. The Leafs have a shot to end it in Game 6 on Thursday. The Lightning are looking like the popular kid in high school who lost homecoming queen to the nerd who finally discovered tweezers, a hair straightener, and contacts.

• Carolina Hurricanes (3) vs Boston Bruins (2): The ‘Canes pull ahead in this series after winning game 5 by a score of 5-1. This game was a massive “f u” from the Canes (they were eliminated from the playoffs by the Bruins in game five 2 years ago) and game 6 will be their shot to really stick it to ‘em.

• New York Rangers (1) vs Pittsburgh Penguins (3): Rangers' goalie Igor Shesterkin went into this series being considered for the Venzina Trophy. That's the MVP of goaltenders. But you wouldn't know it based off of how the Penguins' have been rocking his 💩. In Game 3, they won 7-4. Brutal. But then in Game 4? They just humiliated Igor a little bit more by winning 7-2. Guys, in games 3 and 4 combined, Igor faced 49 shots and let in 10 goals. Yike's Scooby.

Western Conference:

• Colorado Avalanche (4) vs Nashville Predators (0): The Avalanche clinched Round 1 and advance after sweeping the Predators. The Avs owe much of their success to star defenseman Cale Makar. His name might sound like a fancy salad but he is a meat and potatoes guy — he was announced as a finalist for the Norris award and his teammates say that “he might be the best player in the league right now”.

• Minnesota Wild (2) vs St. Louis Blues (3): The Blues won game 5 last night as well after shutting down the Wild’s star player, Kirill “The Thrill” Kaprizov. And it was a true team effort — backup goalie Jordan Binnington had another strong game, Brandon Saad scored the game tying goal, and Vladimir Tarasenko scored a hat trick (3 goals). Oh and after the game, Ryan O’Reilly’s wife gave birth to a baby girl... so rather than flying back w the team, he flew commercial, with a ton of Blues fans, to get to them!

• Calgary Flames (2) vs Dallas Stars (2): The Flames recovered somewhat on Monday night and beat the Stars, 4-1. Good thing they did, too, because now the series is tied back up (in what many originally thought could be a sweep by Calgary! LOL. Hope they didn't bet)

• Edmonton Oilers (2) vs LA Kings (3): The Kings miraculously pulled ahead in this series and won the decisive game 5. Adrian Kempe wove through Oilers defense with ease and put in the game winner in OT. Oilers fans are UPSET; Kings fans don’t even exist (who plays hockey in LA?). The Oilers have a mountain to climb if they want to come back from this in game 6 on Thursday.

I scourged the internet for a photo of Ryan O'Reilly's new baby but nothing has been released yet- meanwhile I found this photo of his family and I'm just like wow....God really does have favorites.

MLB

It’s Sho-time - feat. Ohtani’s 1st professional grand slam

• The Los Angeles Angels had a night on Monday, beating the Tampa Bay Rays 11-3.

• Not only did Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani hit back-to-back homeruns in the 6th inning, but Sho-time Ohtani hit his first ever professional grand slam in the 7th inning.

• The Angels are leading the American League West (20-11

Yankees vs. Blue Jays... The Tuesday night DRAMA you didn't know you needed

• Down by 3 runs in the 6th, New York Yankees’ Giancarlo Stanton hit a 3-run bomb to tie the game.

• Things got HEATED: Toronto Blue Jays’ pitcher Yimi Garcia hit Josh Donaldson (one of the Yankees best hitters) in the elbow right after Stanton’s home run. The entire Yankees dugout was ready to throw hands.

• Garcia was immediately ejected from the game. Whether it was on purpose or not, Garcia hitting Donaldson was shitty… but if you ask me, ejecting him with no warning was an aggressive call in a 3-3 ball game. I’d rather see Aaron Judge and the rest of the Yankees storm the mound 👀.

• The Jays answered back by scoring 2 runs in the 8th inning, putting them up 5-3.

• Drum roll, please.... Yankees’ Aaron Judge hit a walk-off, 3-run homer in the bottom of the 9th to give the Yankees the 6-5 W.

NFL

Tom Brady really spent a month at home and decided he would never pack a school lunch again.

• Tom Brady agreed to join Fox Sports as their lead NFL analyst after his NFL career ends (whenever that may be). Brady signed an MASSIVE 10-year, $375mm contract (for context, Brady’s entire career NFL earnings will be $333mm after this season).

• The GOAT has been ALL OVER the headlines this year... keeping the world on the edge of its seat: In February, Tom Brady retired to spend more time with his wife and family. After just 40 days of retirement, Brady un-retired and returned to the Bucs so that he could take care of some “unfinished business.”

Day 40 of Tom Brady living ~domestic life~:

Well Tom, you're out for good, buddy. We can’t wait to catch you in the Fox booth!!

Golf

2022 Naughty Nelson

• The 2022 AT&T Byron Nelson kicks off tomorrow and the A list is making the trek down to Texas for it. Why show up to this seemingly irrelevant tournament if you’re a World Top 10, you ask? Well, the 2022 PGA Championship at Southern Hills starts next week and the players don't want to be rusty... and they want one good last look at the competition. Scheffler (#1 betting odds), Thomas, Schauffele, Johnson, Spieth, Burns, Koepka, Zalatoris, Niemann, and Matsuyama (#10 betting odds) will all be fighting it out for a piece of the $9.1MM purse (...ideally bringing home the $1.638MM winners share). K.H. Lee is also in the mix after winning last year (picture below), though you have to squint to see him on the betting odds list, so we’ll see what he can pull out of his hat.

F1

Miami Grand Prix revealed more hints about the future than my daily horoscope

So everyone was talking about how the race was just another Ferrari-Red Bull battle and okay yes in a lot of ways it was. But there were some really other important details we need to talk about such as...

• George Russel (Mercedes) finished in 5th, ahead of of his supposedly superior teammate Lewis Hamilton. This is starting to become a trend, y’all! Oh and George Russell has finished p5 or better in every race this year. Imagine what he could do in a better car

• Max Verstappen won the race, yea yea, we know. But he has won every race this season that he has finished. That’s a terrifying stat for the other driver’s.

• Lastly, F1 came out with a new rule that drivers have to wear fireproof underwear. Yup, you read that right. They are telling drivers to put their junk in a very specific trunk. Sebastian Vettel was not having any of it so what did he do? Strut around in his very non-fire proof boxers in protest

Soccer

Manchester City and Liverpool saga continues

• Two big updates on the Liverpool & Man City battle for the Premier league: Liverpool won a must-win game against Aston Villa to stay in the race, and Man City signed star scorer Erling Haaland from Borussia Dortmund. Haaland is a beast and Man City hopes he’ll replace their previous star forward, Sergio Aguero, who left for Barcelona. This photo of Haaland has me shaking in my boots, so can’t imagine what he’ll do for Man City irl.

Must Watch This Week

Wednesday, May 11th:

• 3:45pm ET, Colorado Rockies v San Francisco Giants, MLB: The match-up of the week. Every team in the National League West is .500+ right now, and you don’t want to miss the Rockies vs. Giants NL West showdown.

• 7:00pm ET, Milwaukee Bucks vs. Boston Celtics, NBA: last game was the toilet bowl, where the less sucky team loss. Let’s hope we get a better performance tonight.

• 7:00pm ET, New York Rangers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins, NHL: Rangers holding on for dear life to avoid elimination and humiliation

• 7:07pm ET, Tampa Bay Rays @ Los Angeles Angels, MLB: You know him, you love him. Two-way STUD Shohei Ohtani will be taking the mound for the Angels.

• 7:30pm ET, Washington Capitals vs. Florida Panthers, NHL: Panthers have a chance to take the lead in this series which they desperately need.

• 7:40pm ET, Houston Astros @ Minnesota Twins, MLB: The ‘Stros are HOT. Watch them as they try to extend their winning streak to 9 games vs. the Twins.

• 9:30pm ET, Memphis Grizzlies vs. Golden State Warriors, NBA: I don’t want to say it but this could be the Grizzlies’ last game os the season. And we still don’t know for sure if Ja Morant will play but it’s not looking good.

Thursday May 12th

• 7:00pm ET, Miami Heat vs. Philadelphia 76ers, NBA: Philly could be out after this one, so this win is an an absolute must. Meanwhile the Heat want to maximize their recovery time heading into round 3 so they will be equally hungry for the dub

• 7:00pm ET, Carolina Hurricanes vs. Boston Bruins, NHL: The Canes pulled ahead in game 5 and have the chance to move on to round 2 if they win this one.

• 7:30 ET, Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Tampa Bay Lightning, NHL: The Leafs defeated the Lightning in game 5... this is their opportunity to advance to round 2, and take down the defending champs, no less.

• 9:30pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Phoenix Suns, NBA: And another must win to avoid elimination, this time for the Mavs! The Suns spanked them Monday night so the question is, will they do it again.

• 9:30 ET, St Louis Blues vs Minnesota Wild, NHL: Another game 6 that could decide the fate of this series. This time, the Blues have a chance to take down the Wild...

• 10:00 ET, Edmonton Oilers vs LA Kings, NHL: Thursday is the day of huge game 6 games because this is yet another one, and another underdog story at that. The Kings have a shot at taking down the Oilers, who have been sleeping at the wheel all series..

Time Out for the Tea

Jawdropping New SI Issue - WNBA breaks the internet

• Sue Bird, Breanna Stewart, Nneka Ogwumike, Te'a Cooper, and DiDi Richards will all be featured in our Sports Illustrated’s 2022 issue, which drops May 19th. Whether you love SI to not, you’ve got to admit how groundbreaking this is...talk about girl power. Editor of the SI Swimsuit section, MJ Day, commented, “These players not only dominate on the court but are tirelessly leading the charge in speaking out on social justice issues- fighting for racial justice and equality and working together to create sustainable change.”