Ball Girl #040: Did everyone in Miami just randomly get the Memo that on Thursdays we wear white?

Want the scoop on sports but don’t feel like translating ‘bro’ language? You’ve come to the right place.

It turns out the arena GIVES OUT WHITE T SHIRTS to encourage team unity. I mean this.

Can I have your NUMBER?

5: number of times the Golden State Warriors have WON the NBA Western Conference Finals since 2014 alone. Once they make it, they don’t lose (according to the numbers), a stat that doesn’t bode well for the Dallas Mavericks

NBA

The Eastern and Western Conference Finals are underway. To help my non NBA fans out there understand the gravity, this is equivalent Home Town Visits on the Bachelor.

Eastern Conference Finals: #1 Miami Heat vs. #2 Boston Celtics

• Boston was pissed with their second half performance after game 1. So they came out in game 2 ready for a cat fight, acryllic nails and all. They dominated the Heat, leading by 29 points at one point. As per usual Jayson Tatum's kid (Deuce) gave the team a celebratory high five in the locker room afterward (When is he going to be considered to old to be in the locker room with a bunch of naked duded?). Series is now tied as we head up the coast to Boston this weekend. Wicked.

Western Conference Finals: #4 Dallas Mavericks vs. #3 Golden State Warriors :

• Golden State beat the Dallas Mavericks in Game 1 by nearly 30 points. FYI? a 10+ point lead is considered significant so this was a bigger blowup than Amanda Bine’s career. Luka (Mavs star, 23, looks like he has a dad bad, doesn’t play like he has a dad bod) was confined to only 20 points whereas he usually is scoring 30+…aka the points they needed to win this. Let’s see if the Mavs can find their dignity in game 2.

NHL

~Alberta thrives in chaos~

Alright people. We’re in games 1 & 2 of Round 2 and things are heating up, especially on the west coast. The Flames and Oilers had a particularly interesting game 1. Let’s take a look:

Calgary Flames vs Edmonton Oilers

• Potentially the most chaotic game 1 ever played… First, Oilers’ goalie Mike Smith pulled an Amber Heard. He let in 3 goals in the first 6 minutes, and proceeded to let in another two before the end of the period. Then, shockingly, the Oilers climbed back to tie it up, 6-6, by the third period. Even more shocking, the Flames then put in 3 unanswered goals to end the game 9-6. The Battle of Alberta shall not disappoint.

Carolina Hurricanes vs. NY Rangers

• The Rangers gave up a chance to go up 1-0 in the series in a heartbreaking loss on Wednesday night. They had the lead until the ‘Canes put in the game-tying goal 2:23 left in the third period and then a quick OT goal to end it. Just when they thought they were on the up and up…

Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning

• After a night of outstanding goalie work on both sides, the Lightning just barely edged past the Panthers to earn a 2-0 lead in the series last night. Ross Colton snuck a goal in with 3.8 seconds left to get the W. Colton scored the goal that won the Stanley Cup last year, so this is old hat. And who says procrastination doesn’t work…

Colorado Avalanche vs. St. Louis Blues

• Blues were rolled over in game 1 despite goalie Jordan Binnington having potentially the best game of his career. But they came prepared for game 2, handing the Avs their first playoff loss this year, and a 4-1 loss, no less. Blues goalie Binnington is on a streak and had another stellar game. On the offensive end, David Perron stepped up his game and now leads the Blues in postseason scoring.

MLB

Yanks claimed the throne but were quickly humbled by Baltimore

• The New York Yankees have finally knocked the Los Angeles Dodgers off their throne, claiming the #1 spot in MLB rankings with a 28-10 record.

• But let’s not get ahead of ourselves… The Yanks took an L yesterday against the 5th worst team in the MLB, the Baltimore Orioles.

• We love a juicy 9th inning and yesterday’s game gave us just that. The Orioles were ahead 6-5 going into the 9th. With 2 outs in the top of the 9th, the Yankees managed to tie it up 6-6 with DJ LeMahieu’s RBI single.

• Heading into the bottom of the 9th, the Orioles were determined to score. Austin Hays got on base via an error by Yankees’ Josh Donaldson and Trey Mancini hit a single.

• Coming in CLUTCH, Anthony Santander ripped a 3 run homer. Welcomed home with a nice Gatorade shower, Santander secured the Baltimore W to avoid a 4 game sweep by the Yanks.

Gut punch for the Mets

• New York Mets’ star pitcher Max Scherzer was taken out of Wednesday night’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals due to an oblique injury. Scherzer is expected to be out for 6-8 weeks, joining fellow Mets’ ace Jacob DeGrom on the injured list. 

• The Mets are #3 in the league right now, but let’s see if they can weather 2 months without their injured ace.

• On the bright side, the Mets beat the St. Louis Cardinals 7-6 in extra innings with a walk off homerun by Pete Alonso.

Golf

Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy now the old guard? Not so fast

• The first round of the PGA championship kicked off yesterday and Woods & McIlroy were looking like old men out there to kick it off. McIlroy soon pulled ahead, ultimately claiming the lead after the first round with 7 total birdies. Woods, on the other hand, struggled, as did our boy genius, Scottie Scheffler. McIlroy isn’t lonely at the top, though, as Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas, Xander Schauffele and Cameron Smith follow right behind him. Max Homa, a notable name only for his comedically humorous tweets, shot even par in the first round. Round 2 shall commence today (that is, if the weather holds off…).

F1

To Espana we go!!! Here’s the tea on the track

• It’s been around since 1991, meaning the drivers are actually really familiar with the track (stark contrast to Miami!). The turns are super fast meaniing its really hard to overtake other drivers. Why’s that matter? Well, where you start the race is where you’ll likely finish (unless you crash) so qualifiers weigh more than me after a weekend of binging (both food and drink)

• Lewis Hamilton has won every race here since 2017. He hasn’t been performing that well this season with his teammate George Russel continuously finishing ahead of him. Holy pressure. Like…more pressure than being the only single person at your family thanksgiving.

• This is a home race for Carlos Sainz (Ferrari) and Fernando Alonso (Alpine) so fans will be pouring in to cheer on their home town boys.

My brain. Spain = ANTONIO BANDERAS!!!

Must Watch This Week

Friday May 20th, 2022

• 7:05pm ET, Chicago White Sox @ New York Yankees, MLB: White Sox’ lefty pitcher Dallas Keuchel will face Yankees’ left pitcher Nestor Cortes.

• 8:00pm ET, Carolina Hurricanes vs NY Rangers, NHL: The race for the cup continues and the Rangers keep falling short. Let’s see if they can pick up the pace or if the ‘Canes will make quick work of ‘em.

• 9:00pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors, NBA: Game 2 in this lack-luster series (so far). We need Luka to find his groove or else Golden State might actually sweep this

• 10:30pm ET, Edmonton Oilers vs. Calgary Flames, NHL: The Oilers need a rebound immediately after the disastrous first date that was game 1 vs the Flames.

Saturday May 21st, 2022

• 8:00pm ET, Colorado Avalanche vs St Louis Blues, NHL: The Blues are the underdog in this matchup so naturally we have to root for them.

• 8:30pm ET, Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat, NBA: Game 3 of the series but Game 1 in Boston. Never underestimate the home court advantage…especially when those fans are from Boston

Sunday May 22nd, 2022

• 1:30pm ET, Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning, NHL: The battle of the Florida men continues… and it’s looking like the Lightning are on their way to a repeat title.

• 3:30pm ET, Carolina Hurricanes vs NY Rangers, NHL: Friday’s game will be a real test for this duo… Only time will tell if the Rangers can make it a close series.

• 8:00pm ET, Calgary Flames vs Edmonton Oilers, NHL: The Flames almost melted the ice last game with all their offensive heat. Let’s home game 2 is even half as exciting as game 1.

• 9:00pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors, NBA: Game 3 and the first in Dallas! Not that this will really help the Mavs if they can’t shoot. Problems when your team depends on one player…

Time Out for the Tea

K stands for Kiss of Death

• Darius Slayton (New York Giants, Wide Receiver) responds with a hilarious tweet to sports center on the scariest curse in sports

• Okay on the one hand a shot at my Kardashians, not cool y’all. They showed me that no one is ugly. Only poor. That light carried me through middle school. But on the other hand….he ain’t wrong.

• Let’s just consider the dating history of the Kardashians in the NBA. Devin Booker (Kendall’s boo) was just eliminated from the playoffs, Tristan Thompson (Khloe’s ex husband) is a serial cheater and drug addict. And Chris Humphries (Kim’s ex husband) straight up quit basketball and now opens up franchises of Five Guys in Minnesota.