Ball Girl #041: Rafa' haters are RUTHLESS with this look-a-like comparison

That's right. There are entire blogs comparing Rafael Nadal to Capybaras. So when someone says you look exactlyyyy like their friend (who you stalk and think is ugly), remember. It could be worse.

Want the scoop on sports but don’t feel like translating ‘bro’ language? You’ve come to the right place.

Can I have your number?

• 11: Highest number of consecutive PGA Tour wins - the record is held by Byron Nelson (1945). Even at Tiger Woods’ best, he only won seven.

NBA

The Eastern and Western Conference Finals are underway. To help my non NBA fans out there understand the gravity, this is equivalent Home Town Visits on the Bachelor.

Eastern Conference Finals: #1 Miami Heat (2) vs. #2 Boston Celtics (1)

• Jayson Tatum (Celtics' best player, cue Sammy Adam’s soundbite, “Boston’s Boy!”) had been playing consistently 🤌 up until Saturday night when he crashed harder than me after Boozy Brunch. In the entire game he had just 10 points while giving up SIX turnovers. Miami now takes a crucial lead heading into Game 4 of the series.

Western Conference Finals: #4 Dallas Mavericks (0) vs. #3 Golden State Warriors (3):

• The Dallas Mavericks (via their 23 year old star Luka Doncic) pulled a huge upset against the Phoenix Suns (AKA #1 ranked team heading into playoffs) but it looks like it was all for squat 💩. After last night’s loss, they face not only elimination but a sweep. Let me translate: that’s like not making a single cup in pong and having to do a naked lap. You don’t want to do it. Nobody wants to see it.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this one just about summarizes the Warriors-Mavs series

NHL

From broken sternums to whole team brawls, Quentin Tarantino couldn’t have written a better script for the NHL this weekend. Welcome to playoff hockey.

Calgary Flames (1) vs Edmonton Oilers (2)

• The Oilers recovered from their disastrous game 1 performance this weekend, winning both games to pull ahead in the Battle for Alberta. At least one Flames’ forward was salty about this — Milan Lucic charged and absolutely destroyed Oilers goalie Mike Smith late in the third period...

Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. NY Rangers (1)

• The Rangers have been on the struggle bus lately but finally defeated the ‘Canes this weekend and broke a scoring draught that lasted since the first 20 minutes of game 1. We got a lil spice in the 3rd period when ‘Canes forward Max Domi aggressively cross-checked Rangers’ defenseman Ryan Lindgren. Of course this turned into a full out, whole team brawl. Don’t cross a New Yorker at MSG 😤

Florida Panthers (0) vs Tampa Bay Lightning (3)

• Panthers are still alive but they’re barely breathin’. They just can’t get anything going, probably because they’re facing Andrei Vasilevskiy: the best goalie in the league and the only one who could actually shut down the Panthers’ once-lethal offense. Thanks to him, the Lightning might be on their way to a repeat title.

Colorado Avalanche (2) vs. St. Louis Blues (1)

• This weekend was devastating for the Blues — not only did they lose game 3, but they also lost their star goalie, Jordan Binnington, for the rest of the round due to a crazy collision with two Avalanche players. The Avs took some hits themselves — defenseman Sam Girard is out for the rest of the season now thanks to a gnarly check from Blues forward Ivan Barbarshev.

MLB

When you’re down 18-0 and the Cards put their star catcher in to pitch…👀

• The St. Louis Cardinals absolutely DEMOLISHED the Pittsburgh Pirates 18-4 on Sunday.

• No. 5 on the all-time homerun list, Cards’ slugger Albert Pujols hit a pair of bombs, bringing his total HR count to 683.

• Up 18-0 heading into the 9th, the Cardinals gave star catcher Yadier Molina a chance to make his MLB pitching debut. Molina gave up 2 homers and 4 runs in the 9, closing out the Cards’ 18-4 win and 3 game sweep vs. the Pirates.

Golf

PGA Championship TLDR: Mito Pereira, 54-hole leader, 💩 the bed & JT pulls out the dub

• Mito Pereira came into the final round yesterday with a 3-stroke lead, ahead of Will Zalatoris and Justin Thomas (T2). Both Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods sucked wind on Saturday, with Rory racking up a double and triple bogey back-to-back (putting him in 8th place at the end of R3) and Woods recording his worst-ever score at the PGA Championship (79)… so bad that he withdrew from the tournament.

• Anywhoooo...Pereira got refreshed on the 18th hole of R4 resulting in a double-bogey sending Zalatoris and Thomas ahead of him and to a 3-hole playoff for the win. JT edged Zalatoris by one stroke, earning him the Wanamaker Trophy and a FAT $2.7mil sum.

Tennis

The latest on the French Open - First round kicks off today!

• Women: Iga Swiatek (world #1 and #1 seed) is the heavy-fav here, coming off of a 28-match winning streak. Barbora Krejcikova (defending champion) has been out of commission for 2+ months due to an elbow injury though holds the #2 seed. Serena Williams will not be playing.

• Men: After the drawings, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal and Carlos Alcaraz are all on the same side of the bracket, so Djokovic (top seed and defending champion) and Nadal (13x French Open Champion) could face each other in the quarterfinals.

F1

What’s it called when a guy loses steam and can’t finish? Strictly speaking racing of course...get your mind out of the gutter

• A DNF for Charles Leclerc (Full time Ferrari driver, part time Armani model). Charles led for the first 3rd of the race but remember…mercury IS in retrograde right now. Disaster struck our pretty boy and his car completely lost power. Meanwhile Max Verstappen (Red Bull) finished in first, which is DRAMA because he is now first place in the Driver’s Championship (the competition for the driver that finishes the season with the most points)

Soccer

Manchester City rallies better than a frat boy on a bender

Manchester City clinched the Premier league title this weekend in a thrilling comeback against Aston Villa. City was down 2-0, and much like yours truly last Saturday night after day-drinking, they RALLIED to pull 3 goals out of nowhere and take the crown. They successfully held off Liverpool, who had their sights on a quadruple if Man City lost. This is the fourth time in 5 years Man City has won a title 👑

Must Watches This Week

Monday, May 23:

• 6am ET - French Open, Women’s: Iga Swiatek (1) vs. Lesia Tsurenko

• 7:30am ET - French Open, Women’s: Diane Parry vs. Barbora Krejcikova (2)

• 9am ET - French Open, Men’s: Jordan Thompson vs. Rafael Nadal (5)

• 2:45pm ET - French Open, Men’s: Novak Djokovic (1) vs. Yoshihito Nishioka

• 7:00pm ET, Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning, NHL: The Panthers are about to get swept in this series. Unless they get their crap together, the defending champs are on their merry way to the semis…

• 9:30pm ET, Colorado Avalanche vs St. Louis Blues, NHL: This has been a close series thus far but the Blues just lost their star goalie… you hate to see it, but its a dog eat dog world, man, especially with the Avs.

• 8:30pm ET Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat, NBA: Game 4 in the series, game 2 in Boston. You can bet your krabby patties’ Jayson Tatum will be looking for redemption.

• 9:40pm ET, Milwaukee Brewers @ San Diego Padres, MLB: The Brewers (26-15) and the Padres (27-14) are two of the best National League teams right now, and you won’t want to miss game 1 of this match-up.

Tuesday, May 24:

• 7:00pm ET, Carolina Hurricanes vs NY Rangers, NHL: The Rangers are expert procrastinators, it seems, and always seem to get themselves out of a jam when it comes to playoff hockey… Can they do it again this time?

• 9:00pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors, NBA: do you like watching second hand embaressment? If so, yea tune in to watch Golden State Warriors officially bury the hatchet.

• 9:30pm ET, Calgary Flames vs. Edmonton Oilers, NHL: The epic Canadian face-off continues. But these teams are NOT being polite. We don’t love the injuries but it sure does make for good playoff hockey 😈

• 9:45pm ET, New York Mets @ San Francisco Giants, MLB: The Mets (28-15) and the Giants (22-18) are both having great seasons so far. The Mets have a better record, but with Mets’ ace Max Scherzer on the injured list, it will be interesting to see how the Mets fair in this series against a great Giants team.

Time Out for the Tea

U.S/Russia Prisoner swap

• The Biden Administration has offered Russia a prisoner swap - convicted arms dealer Viktor Bout for Brittney Griner - WNBA star who was caught with hash vape cartridges in the Moscow airport back in February, and has been detained ever since. According to Forbes, negotiations are still in early stages, though the deal remains on the table.