Ball Girl #042: What gives me more whiplash than my last toxic relationship?

Game 1? Heat. Game 2? Celtics. Game 3 Heat. Game 4…..Celtics.

Want the scoop on sports but don’t feel like translating ‘bro’ language? You’ve come to the right place.

Can I have your number?

• 0: Number of teams to come back from a 3-0 deficit in the NBA playoffs (thanks Sports-ish for the stat). Before the game last night, the Mavericks lagged behind the Warriors 3-0 and whaddaya know, the Mavs lost. So, the stat stands yet another year.

NBA

The Eastern and Western Conference Finals are under way. To help my non-NBA fans out there, this is equivalent to Home Town Visits on the Bachelor.

Eastern Conference Finals: #1 Miami Heat (2) vs. #2 Boston Celtics (2)

• The Celtics were humiliated in game 3. So what did they do? Humiliate the Heat back. By this I mean, they limited Miami to just 4 points in the first quarter- the fewest they have ever scored in FRANCHISE HISTORY 😵‍💫. To add injury to insult, All-Star awards came out and Heat’s best player Jimmy Butler earned nada while Boston’s Jayson Tatum was selected for second team.

Western Conference Finals: #4 Dallas Mavericks (1) vs. #3 Golden State Warriors (3):

• PUT THE BROOMS BACK IN THE CLOSET PEOPLE. The Mavs have officially avoided a sweep! Now look the chances of them winning these series are…..probably less than a percent (see stat in CAN I HAVE YOUR. NUMBER) but Luka Doncic couldn’t care less and I love him for it. In other news, today I found out that THIS ?!?!?!?....the woman on the RIGHT is Luka Doncic's Mom and I'm screaming. Holy. MILF.

NHL

Round 2 is officially over for one team already. The Tampa Bay Lightning swept the Panthers in four games. That’s #embarrassing for the Panthers, who started the playoffs as the top seed overall. Here are the rest of the series updates:

Calgary Flames (1) vs Edmonton Oilers (3)

• Game 3 was WHACK y'all. Calgary scored a goal from 150 feet out that I have rewatched the equivalent number of times. FYI? Rinks are only 200 feet long so, somebody clearly wasn't keeping his legs closed! But in the final four minutes, Oilers were able to tie it up and eventually scored an empty netter to take the 5-3 victory. Battle for Alberta continues but perhaps not for much longer...

Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. NY Rangers (2)

• Rangers mounted an impressive comeback against the ‘Canes to even up the series, 2-2. The star of this series has been goalie Igor Shesterkin — he’s kept the Rangers in it even when the players in front of him were in their flop era. Oh, and the violence continues; Rangers defenseman Jacob Trouba heard our Tarantino comment and took it up a notch.

Colorado Avalanche (3) vs. St. Louis Blues (1)

• The Blues struggled on Monday; their offense couldn’t get anything going and it doesn’t help that they’re now missing star goalie Binnington. The drama around his injury continues. As a refresher, Av's Nazem Kadri ran into Binnington. In retaliation, Blues defenseman David Perron viciously cross-checked Kadri (like, so bad that he was given a $5,000 fine.). On the one hand, he was standing up for his boy but on the other, this is straight up out of the Hunger Games. See below and decide-a-side for yourself.

MLB

Bored at the top, Yanks stir up some DRAMA

A recap of recent events for the no. 1 team in the MLB:

• Sunday: The Yanks dropped not one… BUT TWO games to the Chicago White Sox (who have underperformed on the whole this year).

• Monday: The Baltimore Orioles (one of the weaker teams in the MLB this year) beat New York 6-4, sending the Yanks on their 1st 3-game losing streak since last year.

• Tuesday: This game had us on the edge of our seats… until the 11th inning: Down 3-1 heading into the 7th, the Orioles scored 4 runs off of two homers (5-3).New York answered back in the bottom of the 7th, scoring two runs to tie the game up (5-5). Absolute crickets in the 8th, 9th and 10th (extra innings), with 0 runs scored.The Orioles came up with a run in the 11th, but New York had the final say, scoring 2 runs in the bottom of the 11th and winning the ball game (7-6).

Golf

2022 Charles Schwab Challenge - all the deets leading into the weekend

• Where?: Colonial Country Club - Fort Worth, TX

• Dates: Thursday, May 26 - Sunday, May 29

• Purse: $8.4 million

• Defending champion: Jason Kokrak

• Players to watch (Top 3 Betting Favs): Scottie Scheffler (World #1), Justin Thomas (reigning champ this past weekend at the PGA Championship), Jordan Spieth, Will Zalatoris, Collin Morikawa, and Viktor Hovland

Tennis

French Open Highlights - 12 days to go!

-THE BOYZ-

• Djokovic (#1 seed) v. Nishioka - 3-0 - Djok will take on Molcan in the second round this morning.

• Nadal (#5 seed) v. Thompson - 3-0 — Nadal is well on his way to winning his 14th French Open title. Nadal will take on Moutet today at 2:45pm EST.

• Ruud (#8 seed) v. Tsonga - 3-1 - Even more momentous as Tsonga, a leading French player who was World #5 nearly 10 years ago, officially announced his retirement after his loss to Ruud in the first round of the Open.

-THE GALS-

• Świątek (#1 seed) v. Tsurenko - 2-0 - Świątek is also well on her way to winning the Ope after winning both sets (6-2, 6-0) in the first round. Świątek will play Riske next on Thursday.

• Parry (#2 seed) v. Krejcikova - 2-1 - Poor Krejcikova…she is on her way home after losing in the third set to Parry, who will play Osorio Serrano in the second round this morning.

• Anisimova (#27 seed) v. Osaka - 2-0 — so bad for Osaka that she’s questioning whether she’ll attend Wimbledon. Anisimova will take on Vekíc in the second round this morning.

F1

First Scrunchies, then flared pants, and now…. Mercedes

• That’s right. They are IN again. So as a blue gatorade on a Sunday morning refresher, Mercedes was the “it” team in F1 from 2014-2020. But since Covid struck, they’ve been down bad with car problems. But in the Spanish Grand Prix this weekend, their cars suddenly looked hotter than Zac Efron in 17 Again. They already have two of the best drivers (George Russel and Lewis Hamilton). Put them in a car as fast as Red Bull and Ferrari? Well, watch out F1 nation.

Must Watches This Week

Wednesday, May 25

• 4:10pm ET, Milwaukee Brewers @ San Diego Padres, MLB: Two of the best teams in the MLB, the Padres / Brewers series has been a nail biter so far. Game 3 will not disappoint.

• 8:00pm ET, Colorado Avalanche vs St. Louis Blues, NHL: The Avs are one game away from moving on to Round 2… The Blues are not going to go down easy though.

• 8:30pm ET Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics, NBA: Game 5 and somebody is about to take a crucial series lead (remember they are tied 2-2 and you need 4 to win it!)

Thursday, May 26

• 7:00pm ET Carolina Hurricanes vs. NY Rangers, NHL: And just when we thought this series couldn’t get more violent, these teams proved us wrong. I don’t even want to know what’s in store for Game 5.

• 9:00pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors, NBA: “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathingggg” is what the Mavs are singing right now. Can they keep the dream going?

• 9:30pm ET, Edmonton Oilers vs. Calgary Flames, NHL: This has been the most exciting series in NHL playoff hockey this year imo … its worth the watch.

Time Out for the Tea

“Strip club sources”

• However credible those may be, ~sources~ (denied by Panthers interim head coach, but confirmed by a Miami-based reporter) say that some Florida Panthers players were out partying at a strip club as late as 3am late Sunday night/early Monday morning. Not so shocking, one could say, except that the Panthers had a MAJOR game to play on Monday night against the Tampa Bay Lightning, which they lost 2-0. According to the NY Post, “The top-seeded Panthers are now the first Presidents’ Trophy winners to be swept from a playoff series since the 2019 Lightning were ousted by Columbus in the first round.”

Athletes → Actors…Take 2!

• First Tom Brady, and now Lebron James? Guess these athletes are realizing their days as world class athletes are dwindling and they’re going to need to find a way to still make millions! To Hollywood we go! Lebron James has a new movie called Biopic, which is currently in production, set to be released in 2023.