We all had that friend in high school who would get grounded for talking back, but should they get home on a Saturday night at 4am, breath dripping with the Titos they stole out of the freezer? Those same parents are high-fiving the kid telling them "Hope you had fun!"

Well, that's kinda what the NFL is like right now-- dolling out insanely harsh punishments for stupid misdemeanors and a slap-on-the-wrist for offenses that low-key should warrant jail time.

Can I have your number?

$700-$800 million: Offer given to Tiger Woods to join LIV Golf, according to Greg Norman, the tour’s chief executive. Woods has criticized LIV, as well as players who join it, so pretty safe to say he’ll be sticking with PGA.

TLDRs

⚾ LA Dodgers and SF Giants got spicy last night in another west coast showdown. Read on for more.

🏈 We got our first taste of football last night with a preseason game between the Las Vegas Raiders and Jacksonville Jaguars. Read on for more.

⛳️ After Day 1 at Wyndham, John Huh sits at the top of leaderboard with Sungjae Im two strokes behind. Read on for more.

🏀 With the 2022-2023 season fast approaching (but not fast enough), Barstool Sportsbook released their odds for the upcoming title champs. Whose on top? None other than the Boston Celtics, which, as a New York fan, kills me. See the full list here.

🎓🏈 Auburn QB T.J. Finley was arrested yesterday for “attempting to elude police”. WTH does that mean??? With practices set to begin today for the Tigers, this is certainly not the foot Finley wanted to get off on, especially since he’s competing for the starting spot.

MLB

Giants can’t catch a break against the Dodgers

• After a tough 6 innings against the LA Dodgers last night, Gabe Kapler, notoriously stable SF Giants Manager, finally lost it. It all started when Giants pitcher Jarlin Garcia struck a guy out and then blatantly taunted the Dodgers bench. Baseball is a gentleman’s sport, remember, so that is not acceptable, although we love the spice (…am I the drama?). Umpire Phil Cuzzi jumped in and reprimanded both teams before things escalated, but Kapler was not chill with something Cuzzi said to his team and started aggressively yelling. Hence the ejection.

• It’s no wonder tensions were high — it was the last game of the series between the two rivals, and the Giants were losing and about to be swept by the untouchable Dodgers yet again. The Giants are now third in the NL West behind the Dodgers and Padres.

NFL

Two bad teams play a meaningless game to kick off the NFL season

• But its still football, baby, so we’ll take it! The Las Vegas Raiders beat the Jacksonville Jaguars in the first preseason game of the year, 20-3. The starters didn’t play — this was more of an opportunity for practice players to try to prove themselves.

• The game kicked off in classic NFL fashion with a weak ‘roughing the passer’ penalty on the very first play. ‘Roughing the passer’ is when the refs say someone (likely a defensive lineman) has hit the QB too hard. It’s often a controversial call because, as my brother likes to say, its “soft”.

• ‘Roughing the passer’ penalties have become so common the last couple years that the NFL is starting to protect QBs better than an offensive line ever could. Makes sense, since QBs are the most irreplaceable player on the field and often have the biggest contracts. Could you imagine if Patrick Mahomes got injured? The Chiefs would be looking at their wallet like me on Sunday morning.

Too many happy endings = bad ending

• I’m talking about Deshaun Watson. Jokes aside, this situation is real bad. If you haven’t been following this story, Deshaun Watson is a talented QB who was sued by 2 dozen massage therapists, all hired over the course of 2 years, for harassing or assaulting them during massage appointments. He settled 23 out of the 24 lawsuits and two Texas grand juries have refused to strap him with criminal charges. Watson denies any wrongdoing.

• The NFL has been criticized for years for its handling of sexual misconduct and violence against women, so the way this case is handled is super important. The man in charge of that? The evil overlord of the NFL, Roger Goodell himself (I mean, look at this guy).

• He appointed a judge to decide the case, who found Watson guilty, but gave only a 6-game suspension, and people on both sides are outraged. Obvi Watson supporters don’t think he should be punished. See pic below for the other side of the coin. The NFL appealed the verdict, looking for a heftier sentence. See ESPN’s writeup for a full brief.

• Oh, also — Watson’s contract with the Texans expired last season, and right when he was looking to land a new one, this all happened. So you’d think he’d have some trouble landing another contract, right? WRONG you have too much faith in humanity. The Cleveland Browns, the shitty team that they are, offered him a massive $230 million, 5-year contract, and even structured it so that he would lose a minimal amount of money if he were to get suspended. No wonder they haven’t seen a Super Bowl (and I hope they never do 🙃).

Golf

Huh????

• Pretty much our reaction after John Huh finished on top after Day 1 of the Wyndham Championship. Huh has only 1 previous PGA victory under his belt in 2012. He ripped a career-low 9-under 61 (with 7 birdies and an eagle; 0 birdies), sending him into the second round with a 2-stroke lead over Sungjae Im.

• Huh had quite the reaction following his round. "I'm actually surprised I'm at the top of the leaderboard… I didn't really feel my game was there… Shoot my career low, it's kind of weird. Sort of mixed feeling, but I'll take this any day."

Must Watches This Weekend:

Friday August 5th

• 7:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. Atlanta Braves, MLB

• 10:00pm ET, San Diego Padres vs. LA Dodgers, MLB

Saturday, August 6th

• 1:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. Atlanta Braves, MLB

• 9:00pm ET, San Diego Padres vs. LA Dodgers, MLB

Sunday, August 7th

• 4:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. Atlanta Braves, MLB

• 7:00pm ET, San Diego Padres vs. LA Dodgers, MLB

Time Out for the Tea

Brittney Griner sentenced to 9 years in Russian Prison, followed by Biden’s firm response. Griner has been detained in Russia since February.

Zach Wilson deleted social media ahead of the NFL season after recently becoming the center of attention on social media