Ball Girl #074: Jets' Fans Have No Standards

We all have that friend that is like, “I just want a boyfriend. If there is any male who agrees to date me and take me out once a week, I’m in.” And that my friends, is what it feels like to be a Jets’ Fan. We aren’t asking to win the Super Bowl. Heck, we aren’t even asking to make it to playoffs! We just want an above .5 record… is that too much to ask? Well, the Jets starting QB is already injured (thank god for just 2-4 weeks) with no decent back up in sight. This already toxic relationship of mine is hanging by a thread.

Watch the play that put me and other hopeless Jets’ romantics into fetal position.

Can I have your number?

26 / 53: Average F1 driver age in 2019 / 1950. Drivers are retiring earlier as they realize their reaction times start to slip…

TLDRs

⛳️ Will Zalatoris beat Sepp Straka in a three hole playoff to win at FedEx St. Judes. Read on for more.

🏀 The NBA released their CHRISTMAS SCHEDULE line-up. Um… aren’t we skipping some holidays? The feature game is between the Memphis Grizzlies and the Golden State Warriors. The NBA awards these coveted Christmas Day games to the best teams (AKA, those that will bump TV viewership and $$$). This is the Grizzlies first time ever getting to play a Christmas match up. Hey look Ma, I made it!

🏈 Our first weekend of preseason games is done and dusted. Read on for our top takeaways of the week.

🎓🏈 The Associated Press (AP) poll comes out later this morning! “AP Press? Never heard of her”. Well as the name implies, this poll surveys 60+ media A-listers to find out who they think the top 25 teams are heading into the season. Imagine an US WEEKLY feature of the top bachelorette contestants and you get the idea.

⚽️ Chelsea and Tottenham tied this past weekend, which IMO has big implications for the trajectory. Read on for more.

⚾️ Drew Rasmussen is nearly pitch-perfect, Albert Pujols proves that older men do it better, and Fernando Tatis Jr. gets suspended for ring worm (JK, the drugz he took to apparently treat it). Read on for more.

MLB

He’s a 7 but (almost) pitched a perfect game: oh, he’s Drew Rasmussen

• Rays’ Pitcher Drew Rasmussen nearly had a perfect game yesterday to get a clutch win against the Orioles. A perfect game means that no one got on base — aka, Drew SHOVED. The Orioles only started to generate some offense in the 9th inning and by that time it was too late. These teams are battling it out in the AL East for a wild card spot… And the Rays just put the Orioles in their place.

Grandpa comes up big for the Cardinals

• The St. Louis Cardinals showed up big this weekend against the Milwaukee Brewers. They won game 3 last night to take the series, 2-1. Forget the mom of your friend group — the grandpa of the MLB, Albert Pujols, smashed a three-run homer in the eighth inning to put the Cardinals in winning territory. These two teams are neck and neck in the NL Central.

Tatis suspended for performance enhancing drugs

• Fernando Tatis Jr. is a shortstop and star player for the San Diego Padres and the problem child of the MLB. He just got handed an 80-game suspension after one of his drug tests came back positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Tatis said the substance was from an antibiotic he was using to treat a case of ringworm. 🤔 He already missed most of the 2022 season due to a fractured wrist, which he got from a motorcycle accident. Oh and he’s only on a $340 million contract right now.

NFL

Preseason games are on! Highlights from this weekend’s games

• Zach Wilson, the Jets’ starting QB and #2 overall draft from 2021 (and the notorious bedder of cougars), was injured in his matchup against the Eagles when he tried to side step Eagles linebacker Nakobe Dean. We can’t blame him, the man is built like a 16-wheeler. Well, Wilson hurt his knee and will be out for 2-4 weeks. Honestly Jets’ fans should be thankful because that coulda been a whole lot worse.

• Joe Burrow is on the practice field less than 3 weeks after getting an appendectomy — cough cough, try hard. He did watch his team’s preseason game against the Arizona Cardinals from the sideline at least… although his absence is why they got an 🍑 whoopin’.

• Baker Mayfield, ex-golden child of the Cleveland Browns, has been fighting Sam Darnold for the starting QB spot for the Carolina Panthers. He put on a solid performance against the Washington Commanders this past Saturday and basically secured the spot.

• Deshaun Watson made his debut appearance for the Cleveland Browns as their new QB — that is, if he isn’t suspended by the NFL for sexual misconduct. He looked awful cue evil Elmo laughing in the flames meme. And the Jags’ crowd was letting him HEAR IT at the game, too. Karma’s only a bitch if you are, Deshaun! Watch it for yourself…

Golf

Annnd that’s a wrap at FedEx St. Judes!

• Will Zalatoris came out victorious at FedEx St. Judes yesterday, beating Sepp Straka in a playoff to get there. And wouldn’t you know it, Zalatoris’s win ended up coming from Straka mistakenly following in Zalatoris’s footsteps. On the third playoff hole, Zalatoris’s tee shot was just short of the water… the ball bounced a couple of times before settling on land. Straka then hit the exact same shot but his ball took two unlucky bounces into the water. And the rest is history.

Next up: BMW Championship next weekend (Aug 18-21) in Wilmington, DE.

Soccer

Chelsea 2, Tottenham 2

• We had a tie this past weekend between two very different teams — Chelsea and Tottenham. Chelsea has historically been a top Premier League team, but three years ago, Thomas Tuchel took over as team manager (read: Head Coach) and ever since, the program has been suffering from a glow down. Meanwhile, Antonio Conte assumed the role of Tottenham’s manager and has been turning around the program bit by bit, like a real life Italian Ted Lasso (Will Ferrel doesn’t lie… PASS TO THE ITALIANS). So what did this game indicate? That Tottenham is on the up-and-up whereas Chelsea may have peaked in high school.

• The highlight of the game, however, occurred on the sidelines. The two head coaches, in a fit of anger, shoved their heads together and did that thing men do when they are about to fight but lowkey look like they are about to make out. You know what they say, there’s a fine line between love and hate…

Must Watch This Week

Monday August 15

• 2:00pm ET, Liverpool vs. Crystal Palace, Premier League

• 6:00pm ET, NY Yankees vs. Tampa Bay Rays, MLB’

• 6:00pm ET, Atlanta Braves vs. NY Mets, MLB

Tuesday August 16

Time Out for the Tea

Antonio Brown = Jesus AND The Beatles?

• If you didn’t know, Antonio Brown loves to be the center of attention within NFL drama. And his ego has not deflated one bit. Brown retweeted a fake quote of his, in which he compares himself to the Beatles and Jesus.

Vanessa Bryant sues LA County following gory death of husband and daughter

• Vanessa Bryant is suing Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy Douglas Johnson. Why? Because he went full Nightcrawler mode and photographed the remains of Bryant’s husband and daughter, Kobe and Gianna Bryant, at the site of the helicopter crash that killed the two, as well as seven others. Bryant finds the photos to be “visual gossip” and “viewed for a laugh.” Johnson testified that he “doesn’t regret taking the photos and believes he was complying with a supervisor’s orders”.