Ball Girl #078: It’s the final countdown

That’s right — college football officially returns tomorrow, and my life has purpose once again! My high-functioning alcoholism is justified! My betting, too! Football season is a wonderful gift, folks. The games this first week are going to be trash for the most part but I don’t care because any game is an excuse to eat wings, drink hard cider (sorry I’m not a chill girl who drinks beer), and gossip with the girlies at a sports bar.

Can I have your number?

35 / 19: Ages of the oldest and youngest US Open Champions, respectively. Ken Rosewall (top), the oldest, won in 1970. Pete Sampras (bottom), the youngest, won in 1990. A win for Rafael Nadal (36 y/o) this year would break Rosewall’s record.

TLDRs

⚾ The Yankees are emerging from their dry spell and the Brewers saw a brief glimmer of glory against the Dodgers. Read on for more.

🏈 There’s only 2 weeks left until regular season games start… in the meantime, we have more preseason highlights for ya. Read on for more.

⛳️ The Tour Championship kicks off Thursday in Atlanta, featuring the top 30 players. Will Zalatoris will not compete due to a back injury suffered last weekend. Read on for more

🎾 US Open qualifiers are underway. The usual suspects have officially arrived in New York and are practicing away at Arthur Ashe Stadium. Naomi Osaka (4x Grand Slam Champion) and Rafael Nadal (22x Grand Slam Champion) pictured below. The main draw is not for another week, starting Monday, August 29 so save your watching energy for Netflix.

⚽ Manchester United upset Liverpool in a heated battle on Monday. Read on for more.

🏀 Kevin Durant and the Brooklyn Nets came to terms to “move forward with their partnership”… awkward considering KD tried to strong-arm Nets’ governor Joe Tsai to pick him or coach Steve Nash. Read on for what this means for the season to come.

🎓🏈 T-MINUS 1 DAY FOLKS!! That’s right: TOMORROW we have our first college football games of the season. Now, with the greatest sport returning, let’s give our newbies a brief on all things college pigskin… Read on for more about the landscape of the various NCAA conferences.

College Football

Did you ever read the Hunger Games? Remember the various Districts 1-12 with some being just way better than others? Great, well that’s kinda like the various college football conferences:

District 1 = The Southeastern Conference (SEC)

• Just like in the Hunger Games, District 1 features the biggest baddies around that are most likely to win every year. You get people whose entire lives are dedicated to winning and becoming professional killers.

• That’s exactly what you have in the SEC — the best teams who are most likely to go on to win a Natty Champ and the best players who are most likely to go onto the pros. Some highlights include Alabama, Georgia, Texas A&M, Arkansas… and many more.

District 2 = The Big Ten

• District 2 in the Hunger Games was essentially District 1’s little brother— full of careers, still very likely contenders to win the whole shebang. And that’s what we’ve got here with the Big Ten featuring some A-list programs like Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Wisconsin.

District 5 = The Big Twelve

• District 5 in the Hunger Games was dead smack in the middle of Panem, so they controlled the country’s electricity, but they were just okay fighters. Some of their tributes had a shot of surviving but probably not winning. That’s like the Big Twelve for you. Their teams comprise a great deal of middle America and are respectable programs, but rarely top 3.

• Best teams in the Big Twelve to watch this year are West Virginia, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Oklahoma, and the Texas Longhorns.

District 6= The Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)

• District 6 controlled the construction of hovercrafts and transportation, so they were basically there to have a good time and put on a decent but overall lackluster performance. And so I give you the ACC. It’s filled with party schools that will show up and show out for the tailgates, but lack any real fire power teams (other than Clemson).

District 7 = The Pac 12

• We have now crossed over into the bottom of the barrel of the districts. District 7 was the best of… the worst. And that, my friends, is what we have with the Pac-12. They are just barely respectable, with a few household names like Oregon and Arizona, but the truth is? Everyone’s trying to get out for the greener pastures of the conferences above (cough cough, USC and UCLA).

Everyone Else = The Sacrificial Lambs

• District 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 in the Hunger Games were as good as dead. Frankly, they might not even survive 10 minutes into the thing. Our remaining conferences — the American Athletic Conference, the Sunbelt, Conference USA, Mountain West, and Mid-American — are just that. Irrelevant, sacrificial lambs, who may pull off a surprising kill here and there, but that’s about it.

Last but not least, District 13 = Independents

• District 13 was that district that no one even knew **existed! They are sneaky powerful and a major threat to District 1 and 2 while not even being associated with Panem. May I introduce you to the equivalent: our 7 independent schools who are not affiliated with a conference but wreak havoc nonetheless. Standouts include Notre Dame and BYU — don’t let their religious affiliations fool you. They are crusaders out for blood.

MLB

Yankees gain some momentum in the Subway Series…

• The Yanks won their last 2 games against the Mets on Monday and Tuesday night… Monday’s game looked like a pitching mismatch, with Domingo German starting for the Yankees and the legend himself, Max Scherzer, starting for the Mets. But for the first time in a while, the Yanks defense came to play and German put up better numbers than Scherzer.

• Aaron Judge led the way for the Yanks last night, hitting a bomb (read: home run) and an RBI to earn a 4-2 win. Could this mean the end of their dry spell?!

Brewers flew a little too close to the sun

• The Milwaukee Brewers (2nd in the NL Central) handed the previously untouchable LA Dodgers their first shutout loss of the season on Monday might. The Brewers’ bullpen (read: their pitchers) showed up big, led by Eric Lauer pitching five scoreless innings.

• But you can’t beat the king and not expect some backlash. And the Dodgers handed out just that in last night’s game, destroying the Brewers 10-1. They play again tonight at 9pm ET.

NFL

More preseason highlights…

• The NY Jets came back from a 16 point deficit to beat the Falcons on Monday Night Football… hat’s off to the Jet’s third string offense. Next up, we get to see who’s the worse NYC team when the Jets play the Giants this weekend.

• Baker Mayfield won the spot as Carolina’s QB! And their first game is against his old team, the Cleveland Browns. I mean, cmon. [insert photo of Roger Goodell’s head on Kris Jenner’s body here].

• Tom Brady is officially back in Tampa Bay Buccaneer practices after a 10+ day absence due to personal reasons… Apparently, he was on vacay with the wife and kids. 🤔 No new news here other than the Bucs breathing a sigh of relief with Brady back at the helm.

Golf

Up next: Tour Championship at East Lake Golf Course

• The top 30 players on the Tour are off to Atlanta for the Tour Championship this weekend. They’ll compete for a piece of the largest purse on Tour — ideally, the hefty first place prize of $18mil. Scottie Scheffler is the heavy favorite, with Patrick Cantlay close behind at #2, and Xander Schauffele (#3), Rory McIlroy (#4) and Jon Rahm (#5) rounding out the top five.

• Sadly, Will Zalatoris (26 y/o, 9th ranked player in the Official World Golf Ranking, just snagged his first Tour win two weeks ago at FedEx St. Judes) withdrew from the tournament because of two herniated discs in his back, an injury which he suffered last weekend at the BMW Championship. Zalatoris will not be replaced in the 30-man field this weekend and will receive a $500k bonus. Zalatoris also will not compete in next month's Presidents Cup.

Soccer

Man U shocks Liverpool

• Manchester United upset Liverpool on Monday night in a 2-1 heated battle. Maybe Erik ten Hag’s (Man U manager) evil plan is actually starting to pay off….

• One notable person missing from this Man U victory: Harry Maguire (ex-captain and center back for Man U), who was let go by ten Hag after their two abismal losses to start the season. And he had to watch from the stands as they defeated one of the best teams in the league without him. Cue up the sadboi playlist.

• Maguire might be down in the dumps but Man U fans now have high expectations for the season after seeing this epic goal by Jaden Sancho:

NBA

After a summer of temper tantrums, KD stays put with the Brooklyn Nets

• The Kevin Durant-Nets Saga reminds me of another season of Bachelor: we had drama built up for weeks, only for the outcome to be… predictable. The bachelor chose his first impression rose, and KD stayed put.

• What’s all this mean for Brooklyn? With KD locked in alongside Kyrie Irving, various sports books have adjusted their title odds. The Brooklyn Nets have the 4th best chances of a championship heading into the season behind only the Boston Celtics, Golden State Warriors, and L.A Clippers.

• BUT not so fast! May we not forget that Brooklyn had even higher odds heading into last season only to amount to… a sweep in the playoffs (and no, they were not the broom in this scenario). But KD missed 40% of games due to injury and Kyrie 40% due to… well, Kyrie (anti-vaxer, personal reasons, probably bad chakra for all we know).

• Bottom line? The Brooklyn Nets championship odds are a house of cards.

Must Watch This Week

Wednesday, August 24th

• 8:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. Houston Astros, MLB

• 9:00pm ET, Milwaukee Brewers vs. LA Dodgers, MLB

Thursday, August 25th

• 7:00pm West Virginia vs. Pittsburgh, NCAAF

• 7:00pm Central Michigan vs. OK State, NCAAF

• 8:00pm ET, Green Bay Packers vs. Kansas City Chiefs, NFL

• 8:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. Houston Astros, MLB

Time Out for the Tea

Baby Ertz has arrived!

• Madden Matthew Ertz has arrived, and not only is he the cutest baby ever, but also bound to be the most athletic kid of all time. He’s the product of the most athletic genetic combo we’ve ever heard of: Zach Ertz (Arizona Cardinals tight end) and Julie Ertz (Olympic medal winning soccer player).

Was anyone else unaware that Deshaun Watson has a girlfriend?

• And for those who have also apparently been living under a rock, Jilly Anais and Deshaun Watson apparently started dating back in 2019. We really wonder what she thinks about Watson’s recent ~legal issues, but judging by her social media, its not an issue. She posted at the Cleveland Browns preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles, toasting to the Browns (even though her boyf is currently suspended).