Ball Girl #079: I've never been more emotionally confused

Summer's ending and I want to cry-- no more summer Fridays. No more walking out of the house jacket-free. No more being tan (JK that's artificial for the most part anyways. I love you, St. Tropez Mousse). But on the other hand....Football 👏 is 👏 back. College kicks off this weekend with the Pros picking up in just 6 more days.

So I may be pale and cold for months to come but at least I have something to watch other than Netflix.

Can I have your number?

9/8: September 8th marks the beginning of the NFL regular season. The Bills and Rams will face off at SoFi Stadium for some good old fashioned Thursday night football.

TLDRs

🏈 The Cincinnati Bengals and LA Rams broke out into a massive fight on Thursday during a ‘friendly’ pre-game practice. Whoever put that on the schedule was just looking for drama, considering the last time these teams saw each other was the Super Bowl.

⚾ The Seattle Mariners beat the Cleveland Guardians and the Baltimore Orioles beat the Chicago White Sox as the battle for the third Wild Card spot in the American League continues. The Mariners have the spot as of today, but only lead the Orioles by 3 wins. Only three teams from each league will make it to playoffs via a wild card spot.

⛳️ Scottie Scheffler finished the first round of the Tour Championship yesterday at the top of the leaderboard at 5-under. Xander Schauffele (2nd) and Matt Fitzpatrick (3rd) trail behind.

🎾 Qualifiers continue at the US Open. Novak Djokovic is prohibited from attending due his unvaccinated status.

🏀 Chet Holmgren (#2 overall pick in this year’s draft and a human asparagus at 7’0’’ 190LBs) will miss the entire 2022/23 season for the Oklahoma City Thunder. During the Pro-Am event this past weekend, Holmgren sustained a “Lisfranc injury” on his right foot. Translation for the peeps who haven’t taken biology since high school: it’s a fracture in the middle part of your foot that has all those tiny bones. Cue violin noise here.

🏁 Lights off and away we go (at long last)! F1 returns for the second half of the season with the Belgian Grand Prix on Sunday. The race favorite is, as always, Red Bull’s Max Verstappen. But keep an eye out for Lewis Hamilton — he’s been climbing the podium with each race and Mercedes is said to unleash a massive upgrade this weekend.

College Football

With school back in session, the yearbook is pretty much required reading to figure out who the biggest baddies are. Any freshmeat? Scary seniors? Teachers who are a little too hot? We gotcha babes — welcome to the COLLEGE FOOTBALL EDITION. Here’s who you should look out for in the cafeteria:

QBs:

Bryce Young, QB, Alabama: Young is the defending champ of the Heisman Trophy (this is equivalent to the Oscar for Best Actor). Why’s that you ask? He led the SEC with passing yards alongside a casual 47 TOUCHDOWNS. Oh, it’s only his 3rd year so he’s got plenty of time left to wreak havoc.

Quinn Ewers, QB, Texas: Ewers stirred the college football pot big time this summer, transferring from Ohio State to Texas. Kinda comical considering he was originally committed to Texas in high school, de-committed for Ohio State, and now came crawling back to the Longhorns for some love. Make up your MIND, man! Well, Texas showed him some love indeed, naming him the starting QB for the upcoming season.

CJ Stroud, QB, Ohio: Stroud is definitely going to be a top contender for the Heisman this year. Story arch of his 2022-23 chapter? Getting revenge on the Michigan Wolverines, who beat Ohio State for the first time since 2011 (and in the Big Ten title game no less).

Caleb Williams, QB, Oklahoma: Riley’s star prize that he poached from Oklahoma! Williams is only in his sophomore year and crushed last year with 27 touchdowns. With some experience under his belt, this year could be a breakout one.

OTHER BIG NAMES:

Brock Bowers, Tight End, Georgia: I love a name with alliteration... well, Bowers is also a sensational tight end, having logged 56 catches and 882 receiving yards last year. And he is only a sophomore…

Will Anderson Jr., Linebacker, Alabama: I fear this man more than I fear Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Why? He wrecks grown ass men and doesn’t need no weapons to do it. No wonder he’s predicted to be a TOP DRAFT PICK in the NFL this year.

Bijan Robinson, Running Back, Texas: Robinson is considered an A-list running back on a B-list team. Nonetheless, he still racked up 15 total touchdowns and 295 receiving yards last year. Biggest flex? The man has an NIL deal with Lamborghini. Yes, like the luxury cars. And here I was, thinking I was swanky getting free samples from Sephora (after spending hundreds of dollars on cosmetics that objectively will not make me prettier).

COACHES:

Brian Kelley, Head Coach, LSU: Kelley spent 12 years at Notre Dame building up a pretty incredible program. Well, Kelley used the success to flee to warmer pastures at LSU. Let’s see if he can work his magic on this formerly A-list program that has lost its star power in recent years.

Lincoln Riley, Head Coach, USC: Riley pulled the ultimate bad ex-boyfriend move in leaving Oklahoma for their rival USC. But nope — the insults didn’t end there. He also POACHED several key Oklahoma players (he convinced them to transfer to USC) so he’s geared for success upon arrival (cough, cough: Caleb Williams at QB and Mario Williams at receiver, and no, they are not related lol).

Must Watch This Week

Friday, August 26th

• 🏈 7:00pm ET, Buffalo Bills vs. Carolina Panthers, NFL Preseason

• ⚾ 8:00pm ET, Baltimore Orioles vs. Houston Astros, MLB

• ⚾ 8:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. San Fran Giants, MLB

• ⚾ 8:15pm ET, Atlanta Braves vs. St. Louis Cardinals, MLB

• ⛳ Tour Championship — Round 2

Saturday, August 27th

• ⚽ 10:00am ET, Liverpool vs. Bournemouth, Premier League

• ⚽ 12:30pm ET, Arsenal vs. Fulham, Premier League

• 🎓🏈 3:30pm ET, Oregon vs. Georgia, College Football

• 🏈 6:00pm ET, LA Rams vs. Cincinnati Bengals, NFL

• ⚾ 7:00pm ET, Baltimore Orioles vs. Houston Astros, MLB

• ⚾ 7:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. San Fran Giants, MLB

• ⚾ 7:15pm ET, Atlanta Braves vs. St. Louis Cardinals, MLB

• 🎓🏈 3:30pm ET, Notre Dame vs. Ohio State, College Football

• ⛳ Tour Championship — Round 3

Sunday, August 28th

• 🏁 9:00am ET, Belgian Grand Prix, F1

• 🏈 1:00pm ET, NY Giants vs. NY Jets, NFL Preseason

• ⚾ 2:00pm ET, Baltimore Orioles vs. Houston Astros, MLB

• ⚾ 2:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. San Fran Giants, MLB

• ⚾ 7:15pm ET, Atlanta Braves vs. St. Louis Cardinals, MLB

• ⛳ Tour Championship — Final Round

Time Out for the Tea

Vanessa Bryant awarded $16 million in lawsuit against LA County

• A federal jury awarded $31mil in damages to Vanessa Bryant ($16mil) and her co-plaintiff, Christopher Chester ($15mil), after “finding the Los Angeles County Sheriff's and Fire departments liable for infringing on their constitutional rights”. Individuals working for the Sheriff’s and Fire departments shared photos of the helicopter crash that killed Bryant’s husband (Kobe) and daughter (Gianna) in January 2020. Just a coincidence that this story dropped just one day after Kobe’s birthday (August 23)…? Mamba would have turned 44 this year. Rest in peace.