Ball Girl #083: Am I the drama?????

Kevin Durant: 33-years old physically, 12 years old mentally. Don’t get me wrong, I am a NETS FAN y’all, but KD didn’t have himself a hot girl summer. He had himself a hot HEAD summer. First, he threw a temper tantrum to get traded, then to get Steve Nash fired, and now… he’s complaining about his rating in NBA 2K23. Yes. The VIDEO GAME. He was given a 96/99, not a perfect 99. Bruh, maybe you got docked three points because you behave like a MAN-CHILD.

Can I have your number?

109: the number of points between Max Verstappen (Red Bull) and the next closest driver, Charles Leclerc (Ferrari), in the F1 World Drivers Championship after the Dutchman won yet another F1 race this past weekend in none other than his hometown. To give you an idea of how INSANE this lead is: Verstappen would need to not finish (AKA getting zero points) four races in a row and Leclerc would need to simultaneously come in first for that gap to close.

TLDRs

🏈 NFL starts up TOMORROW with Thursday night football! The LA Rams play the Buffalo Bills. To get you amped up, we’re covering the players you should keep an eye out for. Read on for more.

🎓🏈 Week 1 of College pigskin is in the books, and my big takeaways are: 1) Defending National Champs Georgia may have lost 10 guys to the pros last year, but in thumping Oregon on Saturday, they showed the nation that they might somehow be even better 2) Florida’s new starting QB, Anthony Richardson, gave us main character energy against Utah and I’m ready for the sequel and 3) Alabama’s returning QB Bryce Young (last year’s Heisman winner) still looks hotter than Zach Efron in high school musical. That trophy might be sitting on his bedside table for another year.

⚾ One month to go in the regular season and Aaron judge is putting the mf team on his back… That team being the NY Yankees. Judge tied A-Rod’s record of 54 home runs in a season on Monday night to get the Yankees a win and keep them afloat in the AL East.

⛳️ Dustin Johnson wins the LIV Golf Invitational Boston, finishing -15 for the tournament. Johnson brought home a sizable $4mil first place prize.

⚽ Manchester United shocked us all and handed Arsenal a 3-1 defeat this past Sunday, thanks to two goals by Marcus Rashford. Man U manager Erik ten Hag’s evil plan might just be paying off…

🎾 US Open update, plzzzzz… Quarterfinals are underway. For the gals: Ons Jabeur defeated Ajla Tomljanović (2-0) and Caroline Garcia defeatsd Coco Gauff (2-0). For the guys: Casper Ruud defeated Matteo Berrettini (3-0) and Karen Khachanov defeated Nick Kyrgios (3-2).

NFL

Another season, another lineup

Pro sports are like love island — characters you know and love, shuffling around on a little island we call the NFL. Every year, new players come in, players swap alliances, and some actually stay loyal. This year is no different, and girls, I’m convinced football is just reality TV for guys, complete with physical altercations. Boys — am I wrong? Anyways, we’re going to run through the hottest players to watch this year, and instead of giving you stats, we’ll get into the tea.

Offensive players to watch

Josh Allen, Quarterback (Buffalo Bills)

• A humble, smalltown boy who grew up on a cotton farm in rural California, Josh Allen didn’t even have any D1 college prospects when he graduated high school. But he stuck with football and eventually ended up at Wyoming, whose head coach was the only one to visit the family farm.

• Then Allen had a breakout year in the NFL in 2020, he led the Buffalo Bills to their first playoff win since 1995, and has been breaking records ever since. Now Josh Allen is THE hot new QB this season. The Bills love him, I love him, America loves him… C’mon and jump on the bandwagon:

Christian McCaffrey, Running Back (Carolina Panthers)

• Alright first of all, a running back is the offensive position in football that receives handoffs from the QB and then tries to run through a wall of people (called a rush play). And as far as RBs go, Christian McCaffrey might be the best one of all time. He just has one problem. He can’t stay healthy. When he IS playing, he’s broken a ton of NCAA and NFL records. Soo only time will tell if he will make an impact for the Panthers this season…

• He’s also the son of a Stanford football and soccer star and his dad went on to play in the NFL. Those are some good genes. And McCaffrey has been dating Olivia Culpo, ex-Miss Universe and model, since 2019. Can you imagine their kids?! God really does have favorites, y’all:

Ja’Marr Chase, Wide Receiver (Cincinnati Bengals)

• Alright for the non-football speakers, a wide receiver is the guy that runs routes and the QB tries to throw them the ball. Chase is going to into just his second year in the NFL, after being named the offensive rookie of the year last year and breaking a bunch of records, nbd. And he’s only just getting started…

• Oh and in case you were feeling good about yourself today, he was drafted in 2021, got a $19.77 million signing bonus and a contract that earns $7.7 million per season… and he just turned 22 years old this year. HE WAS BORN IN THE YEAR 2000. Hold on, let me go grab my cane and my glasses…

Travis Kelce, Tight End (Kansas City Chiefs)

• What’s a tight end? It may sound like a sex position but it’s just a flexible offensive role in football. A tight end can act as a lineman, meaning they block guys to help the receiver get through, or be a receiver themselves. Our guy Kelce here is largely regarded as one of the best tight ends of all time. It doesn’t hurt that his QB is the all-talented Patrick Mahomes.

• And fun fact, his older brother Jason Kelce also plays in the NFL as a center for the Philadelphia Eagles. Even more fun fact: in 2016, he had a dating show that worked essentially the same was as the Bachelor, but Kelce was the bachelor. It was on E! entertainment (are you surprised), called Catching Kelce. 50 women from 50 states vied to win his heart and that’s a direct quote from the IMDB page.

Defensive players to watch, featuring frenemies of the league

We’re talking about Aaron Donald and Von Miller…

Aaron Donald, Defensive Tackle (LA Rams)

• I’m not even going to try to explain the defensive positions in football… all you need to know is that Aaron Donald is one of the biggest guys out there and he is meant to stop the offense by any means necessary (usually that involves annihilating the quarterback).

• You might remember him from his psychotic choking drill, or more recently, for swinging guys’ helmets during a fight with the Bengals in what was supposed to be a friendly practice a couple weeks ago (gotta give him points for creativity). TLDR he is an animal, largely considered one of the best defensive players of all time, and he’s the heart and soul of the Rams team. He’s the longest-tenured player on their roster and a huge reason why they won the Super Bowl.

Von Miller, Linebacker (Buffalo Bills)

• Linebackers are a versatile defensive position in football and Vonnie B’VSean Miller is good at all of it. As of 2022, he has the most career sacks of any active player. He’s also one of the best defensive players in the league… and he used to play for the Rams, he was another big reason why they won the Super Bowl.

• But he left the Rams to take a contract with Josh Allen and the Bills. TEA! Oh, and guess who is playing in the first regular NFL season game tomorrow? Yep, the Rams and the Bills. Guys I’m not even kidding I think Roger Goodell is taking notes straight from Kris. And if you needed more evidence that Donald is an animal, here’s what he said about his buddy, Von:

Best quarterback & receiver duos to watch, aka, BFFs of the league

Cooper Kupp and Matt Stafford (LA Rams)

• These two are like PB&J. Kupp is a talented receiver, and you pair him with an accurate passer… it’s game over. We saw this play out on the road to last years super bowl — this duo dominated.

Ja’Marr Chase & Joe Burrow (Cincinnati Bengals)

• We talked about Chase, but did we mention that his QB is none other than is old college teammate, Joey B?? These youngins are fun to watch and will be lighting Bengals’ fans on fire all season.

Davante Adams & Derek Carr (Las Vegas Raiders)

• These two played at Fresno State together back in 2012, and this season they’re finally ~reunited and it feels so good: after last season with the Packers, Adams decided to dip and join his buddy Derek in Las Vegas. Adams is one of the best receivers in the league and Carr is an underrated QB. But apparently they almost died together on a dangerous white water rafting trip and that’s when they got so close. Feels like a trauma bond to me 👀

AJ Brown and Jalen Hurts (Philadelphia Eagles)

• Hurts is entering his third year in the league, which is when you either break out or bust. AJ Brown is one of the best receivers in the league. Do the math…

Patrick Mahomes & Travis Kelce (Kansas City Chiefs)

• We also talked about Kelce above, but you best bet he is going to have a good season now that the Chiefs lost one of their best receivers, Tyreek Hill, to Miami. Kelce is going to be star QB Mahomes’ biggest target, and their chemistry is unreal.

Honorable mentions

Tom Brady, Quarterback (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)

• Brady is obviously the GOAT, no one can argue that… but with the recent Gisele situation & rumors of new botox after that whacky press conference, we’re dying to know what’s going on, and if it will affect football. He has a bunch of great targets, including Mike Evans and Chris Godwin, so if Brady can compartmentalize, the Bucs will be fun to watch.

Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback (Green Bay Packers)

• Rodgers is the back to back MVP of the NFL (thanks to his psychedelic drug usage) but had a disappointing playoffs run last year. This year he’ll be looking to prove himself in his 17th year in the league.

Must Watch This Week

Wednesday, September 7th

• 🎾 12:00pm ET #22-ranked Karolina Plíšková vs. #6-ranked Aryna Sabalenka

• 🎾 1:15pm ET, #22-ranked Frances Tiafoe vs. #9-ranked Andrey Rublev

• 🎾 7:00pm ET, #8-ranked Jessica Pegula vs #1-ranked Iga Świątek

• ⚾ 7:00pm ET, Toronto Blue Jays vs. Baltimore Orioles

• 🎾 8:15 pm ET, #12-ranked Jannik Sinner vs. #3-ranked Carlos Alcaraz Garfia (Tiafoe took down #2-ranked Rafael Nadal 3-1 (major upset) to make it through to the quarter-final)

Thursday, September 8th

• 🏈 8:20pm ET, Buffalo Bills vs. LA Rams

• ⚾ 7:00pm ET, Minnesota Twins vs. NY Yankees

Time Out for the Tea

Power couple turns rocky

• If you remember recent goss, rumor on the street is that Tom Brady and Giselle Bündchen are a bit rocky. Well, the story builds…

• Remember the pictures in which Brady looks like he had a botched plastic surgery job? Yeah, well, seems it might just be trouble in paradise with his model wife. A source told Page Six, “There’s been trouble in the marriage over his decision to un-retire. Gisele has always been the one with the kids… They had agreed he would retire to focus on the family, then he changed his mind. Bündchen fled their home in Tampa for Costa Rica following the fight so stayed tuned for more…

But who’s the real athlete here?

• At the US Open last year (2021), a seemingly random girl, Megan Lucky, became quasi-famous for chugging beers in the stands once the camera landed on her. The camera returned to her a couple of times throughout the tournament, and she quickly became a fan favorite. Well, now one year later, the camera has found its way back to her, and the crowd remembered her just as well. Oh, and she now has ~63k Instagram followers.