Ball Girl #088: You know how much I beef with Mondays?

This past weekend, Mike Evans (WR, Tampa Bay Buccaneers) outright SHOVED Marshon Lattimore (cornerback, New Orleans Saints) from behind— major weenie move. If you are going to shove a grown man, at least have the decency to make eye contact!!! However, this is not the first time these two have tangoed. They’ve been beefing longer than I’ve been sexually active (TMI?), breaking out into 3 fights in the last 5 years alone. And add some further spice to this morning latte, it’s ALWAYS been Evans coming at Lattimore. Why? Everyone needs a nemesis, I guess. Lattimore is merely the Dr. Doofenshmirtz to Evans’ Perry the Platypus, the Joker to his Batman, the Loki to his Thor.

Can I have your number?

$10.1mm: How much Michael Jordan’s 1998 “Last Dance” NBA Finals Jersey sold for, making it the most expensive game-worn sports memorabilia of all time.

TLDRs:

⛳ Reigning champion Max Homa (World #20) won the PGA Fortinet Championship yesterday, finishing 16-under. Also this weekend, Cameron Smith (World #2) won the LIV Golf Invitational Chicago, finishing 13-under. Only difference? Smith brought home a $4 million first place prize while Homa brought home less than half of that ($1.44 million). Yikes, PGA 👀

🏀 Cue your Carrie Bradshaw voice: “just like that,” the 2022 EuroBasket tournament has concluded, with Spain (!?) taking home the title. Did anyone else know Spain was good at basketball??? Well, brothers Juancho and Willy Hernangomez (who play for the Toronto Raptors and New Orleans Pelicans respectively) led L’Espana to victory with a combined 41 points. And now my dear NBA fans, we must patiently await another ~1.5 months for the return of basketball.

🎓🏈 This weekend of college football wasn’t as crazy as last, with the Top 10 teams holding their positions for the most part: Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio State are continuing to dominate. Here’s the sparknotes from this weekend for those who didn’t do the reading: 1) Texas A&M (who SHOCKINGLY lost to Appalachian State last weekend) redeemed themselves with a victory over Miami 2) Washington is now apparently good at football, starting the season off with a perfect 3-0 record, and 3) Michigan is looking 🔥 under the helm of head coach Jim Harbaugh and quarterback J.J McCarthy. They’ve scored 50+ points in all three games of the season thus far for the first time in program history.

⚾ Shohei Ohtani, outrageously talented two-way guy (read: he pitches AND hits… players rarely do both), pitched 7 scoreless innings, AND got an RBI (read: an assist), AND scored himself in a surprising LA Angels defeat of the Seattle Mariners on Saturday.

⚽ The Premier League is still on hold for the most part due to the Queen’s passing 😢. But a couple of games started back up this weekend, including a decisive 3-0 Arsenal win against Brentford yesterday that solidified their spot as a PL champion contender.

🏈 Sunday Night Football was full of comeback kids: the Cardinals, the Jets, and the Dolphins all pulled off epic come from behind wins. The Arizona Cardinals beat the Las Vegas Raiders in a particularly intense game… Kyler Murray (QB) came up big in the 4th quarter to force the game to extra time, then Byron Murphy (cornerback) picked up and ran in a Raiders’ fumble for a touchdown.

College Football

Texas Longhorns? More like Texas BUCK$

• ICYMI, Texas is starting to look pretty good in the College Football landscape. They are 2-1 on the season thus far (almost 3-0 after an absolute NAIL BITER against the #2 ranked Alabama Crimson Tide). And much of Texas’ recent success comes down to nothing more than recruiting better talent. 5-star QB Quinn Ewers (INJURED) transferred from Ohio State to Texas this past year, and the Longhorns currently have the #2 ranked recruiting class for 2023, which includes Archie Manning. Yea… like the nephew of QB greats Peyton and Eli Manning. What does that family put in its baby formula!?!

• How are they getting such insane talent? The same way the ugly finance bros pull the hottest, smartest, coolest girls you know — for the MoNeY💰💰💰. For my hopeless romantics out there that wish to believe its because of his “incredible personality” or Texas’ “cowboy charm,” please keep in mind that earlier this summer, Texas spent $280,000 in one weekend to pamper the visiting recruits. These high school boys were treated to custom welcome cakes, gift baskets, a locker room BARBER SHOP (never know when you’re gonna need that fade touched up), multiple feasts, ice sculptures, Top Golf, and more. All I can say is, future husband, take notes.

• So what’s the problem? Well, a lot of college football fans are starting to worry that recruiting ‘meritocracy’ is dead — that the richest schools can now outright get the best players by paying them the most. A fair objection! However, was this not happening before OR was it just under the table, with shady deals for fewer players? NCAA football has always been corrupt folks; least we can do is air this dirty laundry out rather than shove it under our beds before bae comes over.

Must Watch This Week

Monday, September 19th

• ⚾ 6:40pm ET, Houston Astros vs. Tampa Bay Rays

• 🏈 7:15pm ET, Tennessee Titans vs. Buffalo Bills

• ⚾ 7:40pm ET, NY Mets vs. Milwaukee Brewers

• 🏈 8:30pm ET, Minnesota Vikings vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Tuesday, September 20th

• ⚾ 7:40pm ET, NY Mets vs. Milwaukee Brewers

• ⚾ 6:40pm ET, Houston Astros vs. Tampa Bay Rays

Time Out for the Tea

Is anyone checking up on Tom Brady?

• We know Gisele (Bünchen, Tom Brady’s wife since 2009) gave Tom an ultimatum (this will be his last NFL season or this will be his last year as a married man) but is anyone checking in on Tom? Like… making sure he’s eating at least one meal a day? Fans are joking that it "looks like he was traded from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the Dallas Buyers Club,” tweeting things like, “please eat a steak my brother,” as Brady appears to be withering away. 😢

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