Ball Girl #097: HE'S BACK

In all things Spooky Season, I had to use my favorite Harry Potter GIF this morning to announce the long-awaited return of ICE HOCKEY SEASON BABY, a sport with more ice than my exs' heart.

Last night we had two BANGERZ of games, with the NY Rangers defeating the Tampa Bay Lightning 3-1 (a revenge 🔩 for the Eastern Conference Championship last year) while the Las Vegas Golden Knights edged the L.A Kings 4-3 with a buzzer-beater goal. Vegas is under a new head coach, Bruce Cassidy (did anyone else confuse this mans with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? No? Just me?), which bodes well this new management. Read on more for what to expect as the season officially gets underway.

Can I have your number?

67.5%: Difference between this upcoming weekend’s 1st place PGA prize and 1st place LIV prize. $1.98mm vs. $4.0mm🤯

TLDRs

⛳The fourth event of the 2022-2023 PGA Championship, The Sozo Championship, kicks off tomorrow at Accordia Golf Narashino Country Club, which is just outside of Tokyo (yes, the 78-man field is tripping to Japan). Hideki Matsuyama looks to defend the title, while Xander Schauffele is tryna swoop in for the crown. LIV Golf Invitational Jeddah will be going on simultaneously (starting Friday) at Royal Greens Golf & Country Club just outside of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.

🏁 Max Verstappen officially clinched the F1 World Driver’s Championship title (awarded to driver with the most points at end of the season) this past Sunday, even though there are 4 races left in the season. How is that possible? He’s won SO many races this season that no other driver could possibly catch up to him in points. R.I.P my competitive spirit. As if it couldn’t get predictable enough, Verstappen also won last year.

🎓🏈 Biggest takeaways for this weekend: Georgia THUMPED Auburn 42-10 and reclaimed the #1 spot in the AP Poll. Meanwhile, Alabama barely avoided an upset defeat against Texas A&M and subsequently fell to #3 behind Ohio State. #3 is the lowest ‘Bama has ranked all season— a comical statistic for fans to be upset about, especially considering their star QB Bryce Young was sidelined with a shoulder industry.

⚾ Playoffs are officially underway! The Mariners, Phillies, Guardians, and Padres won their wild card matchups and move onto the divisional round, where they’ll face the Astros, Braves, Yankees, and Dodgers, respectively.

🏒 Hockey season is finally back: whether you are a newbie or a seasoned veteran of a fan, read on for more on what to expect for the upcoming season.

🏀 ICYMI, Golden State Warrior’s Draymond Green punched teammate Jordan Poole in the face last Wednesday. The 32 year old veteran has since been asked to ‘step away’ to collect himself… BY THE TEAM. That’s the equivalent of your S.O asking for some space to think, y’all. Not a good sign…especially considering Green’s contract expires this year and he’s been very public about wanting a new one.

🏈 MNF featured an AFC West battle — the Kansas City Chiefs narrowly defeated the Las Vegas Raiders, 30-29. Derek Carr and Davonte Adams lit it up for the Raiders, but they were no match for Patty Mahomes and Travis Kelce. The Raiders missed a crucial two point conversion that would have put them ahead, then messed up the last play of the game in classic Raiders fashion:

NHL

So you wanna be a hockey fan?

• If you like socially acceptable violence and bad boys who are goofy, golden retriever-esque, and dumb as a brick (JK, please don’t kill me, hockey wives), then congrats — hockey is going to be your new favorite sport to watch. For my newbie converts out there, dw… we got your back. The season is just kicking off, and here’s what you need to know.

The Divisions:

Imagine you are back in high school. You enter the cafeteria and immediately ascertain how certain cliques sit in certain areas. Before choosing a table, you better know the lay of the land less you die a social leper. In NHL world, here are our cliques and the M.O of each.

• The Atlantic Division: I’d compare this to the table of high-key jocks, and low-key bullies. The A.D is regarded as the most challenging conference in all of the NHL with some killer teams like the Tampa Bay Lightning (Mega Stanley Cup winners), the Florida Panthers (their offense scores more often than Leo DeCaprio at a freshman seminar). If you can survive here, you can survive anywhere.

• The Metropolitan Division: May I present: the table of cheerleaders. The teams in this division are not only hella skilled, well-dressed, and popular — they are fun. You have the NY Rangers, the Washington Capitals, and the Pittsburgh Penguins, just to name a few. But a word of caution: these fans can be scarryyyy, JUST like their jock counterparts. Expect heckling, drunken stupor, and rampant twitter fights.

• The Central Division: This is the table of goody-two-shoes. They are exactly what you expect — straight A students, writers of the school newspaper, honor roll, etc. Well, the teams in this league are from states that were quite frankly BORN to be obsessed with hockey. You’ve got the Colorado Avalanche, the Minnesota Wild, and the Winnipeg Jets. Expect loyal, midwestern-nice fans.

• The Pacific Division: Remember that scene in Mean Girls where Ms. Norbury asks that random girl who crashed the feelings pow-wow, “Do you even go here?” That’s basically what I think of when I see the Pacific Division. You have teams in locations I can’t even find on a map: the Anaheim Ducks, the Edmonton Oilers, and the Calgary Flames. Then you have teams that have no business being in hockey like the Las Vegas Golden Knights and L.A Kings. But hey, hockey is for everyone, I guess.

Okay now that you’ve got the lay of the land, it’s time to pick a team. Not sure who to root for? How about I make a few ~menu~ recommendations:

• New York Rangers: I’m so biased with this one, but y’all — the NYR’s colors are literally red white and blue. They are AMERICA’S TEAM!!! Not to mention you will have more celeb sighting at these games than bad first hinge dates — which my online dating girlies know is A LOT.

• Toronto Maple Leafs: It has been 54 years since the Toronto Maple Leafs won a cup, marking the longest drought in NHL history. The team is desperate to change that, and with a solid roster, Vegas lists them as having the second highest odds to take home the Cup. Not to mention Canada is the O.G of hockey and their colors, blue and white, go with basically everything.

• Colorado Avalanche: The Av’s won the Stanley Cup last year for only the 3rd time in franchise history. They are in a great spot to win it again this year, having momentum on their side. The only pitfall they face is having lost some key players in off-season trades (AKA, star goaltender Darcy Kuemper).

• Vegas Golden Knights: for those who like ‘em young… the Golden Knights are only a four-year-old franchise. They missed the playoffs for the first time last year and replaced head coach Peter DeBoer with Bruins’ (also fired) head coach Peter DeBoer. They then coughed up $10 Million for forward Jack Eichel, who they hope will become the new face of the franchise. So much glitzy, shiny NEWNESS.

Some BASICS so your boyfriend doesn’t mansplain…

• Hockey is played in three periods, each of 20 minutes. Yup, periods. The word used in this context doesn’t cause your mans run for the hills.

• There are usually six players on the ice at the time — 3 forwards, 2 defenseman, and 1 goalie. Now I say usually because if a penalty is called, that offending homie has to go sit in something called the ‘penalty box’ (picture a plastic jail cell for man-childs) for 2 minutes or more (depending on penalty). A team can also pull their goalie and swap him for an extra player if they want to. You won’t see this unless there’s a minute left in the game for the most part.

• Teams are competing for the Stanley Cup. This is a silver cup that honestly looks like a tiered wedding cake and is hockey’s equivalent of the Super Bowl’s Lombardi Trophy.

Time Out for the Tea

All the gossip right now is about Gisele and Tom so here’s everything you need to know…

1) Tom tells us his biggest reason for coming out of retirement… FOR THE BOYS

2) Gisele has been seen multiple times without her wedding rings, and it’s likely that the two will settle for a divorce. Gisele was also recently seen with a “spiritual woman” who was seen burning sages around her car.

3) …and last, but certainly not least… fans want Gisele to rebound with none other than Zach Wilson.