Ball Girl #113: It’s the holiday season, AKA time for some massive family feuds

The NY Jets have more beef in their locker room than a goddang butcher… and who’s at the center of this steak-fest? None other than QB Zach Wilson (yes, the same Zach Wilson who cough cough bedded his mother’s best friend. That MILF became a MIDF (Mom I DID… fugazi). Anyways, the Jets had a brutal loss to the Patriots this weekend. Jets’ defense was on like donkey kong and gave up only one field goal while their QB failed to make a single touchdown. When asked in the post-game conference if he felt like he let the defense down, Wilson said “No.” Quite the eloquent speaker, I know. Talk about ZERO accountability. 

~quick announcement~

It’s about time we made a change… We will be moving our weekly cadence to Tuesdays and Thursdays from now on (but not this Thursday because ~turkey day). So be sure to check your inbox for Ball Girl on Tuesdays and Thursdays starting next week. In the meantime, there’s a whole lineup of sports events to keep you entertained over the holiday weekend, just peruse the “Must Watches” section. Happy Turkey Day playas! & feel free to reply to this email with any feedback as always.

Can I have your number?

7: (Official) record number of sacks in an NFL game, held by Derrick Thomas - November 11, 1990 — Kansas City Chiefs vs Seattle Seahawks.

TLDRs

🎓🏈 I’m going to be honest, I expected this weekend of college football to be lackluster, but what I got was a diamond in the rough. #2 Ohio State and #3 Michigan both NARROWLY missed upsets: they escaped with their perfect scores, but are slotted to face each other this weekend, so someone has to lose. Meanwhile, #5 Tennessee DID lose in a massive upset by the unranked South Carolina Gamecocks (a gamecock is a fighting rooster ICYDK. Go Cocks).

🏈 New York teams had a tough weekend… The Jets lost to the Patriots after a miraculous 84-yard punt return for a touchdown by Marcus Jones, and the Giants lost to the Lions because Jamaal Williams decided to have the game of his life and run for 3 touchdowns. Moving on to Texas, the Cowboys put Dak Prescott back in the drivers seat and completely embarrassed the 8-1 Vikings (now 8-2…) in a high scoring affair, final score 40-3 cue spit take. Let’s go further south, all the way to Mexico City, where the 49ers put the Cardinals in their place last night at Estadio Azteca, a soccer stadium (if you haven’t heard, NFL commish Roger Goodell is trying to take over the world via forcing American football on other countries). 49ers’ QB Jimmy G threw for four touchdowns and proved that the Niners might be a legitimate threat, similar to Aiyuk’s TD celebrations…

⚽USA played and TIED their first World Cup game this Monday against Wales. USA was up 1-0 for most of the game thanks to a nifty pass from Christian Pulisic to Tim Weah, who put it aweah (sorry couldn’t help myself)… But then Wales earned a penalty in the 82nd minute and Gareth Bale buried it for the tie. This is a blow for USA; they needed a win here in order to have a shot at advancing, considering only two teams from the group can move on and England basically has the #1 spot in the bag. Their next game is against Goliath himself, England, on Friday at 2pm ET… only time will tell if our boys can claim independence yet again.

🏒 The Buffalo Sabres are buried in more losses than snow, and considering they recently got 6-feet, that’s saying a lot. The Sabres suffered their latest, 8th-in-a-row loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs. They started the season 7-3 but since have fallen to — yup, you guessed it, my math geniuses — 7-11. No free slushies, unfortunately.

🏀 And in stark contrast to the Buffalo Sabres^, the Sacramento Kings are heating UP with 6-wins in a row, most recently against the Detroit Pistons. This marks their longest win streak since the 2004-2005 season. Meanwhile, Ben Simmons (Brooklyn Nets, took most of last season off for mental health reasons then came back to play like 💩 for the start of the season) looks like he finally remembered how to play basketball again with a season-high 22 points over the Memphis Grizzlies.

🎓🏀 #7 Baylor topped #19 UCLA this weekend thanks to a knockout performance by LJ Cryer and an ice-cold three pointer by Adam Flagler to put the game away. Meanwhile, Rasir Bolton and Drew Timme led #6 Gonzaga to a solid victory over #15 Kentucky, who continues to plummet downward in the rankings… however, we’re still early on in the season, and much like all of us 20-somethings in New York right now, teams are still ~finding themselves, so hope is not lost.

⛳Adam Svensson (31 y/o from Canada) won the RSM Classic on Sunday, finishing 19-under for the tournament, two strokes ahead of Callum Tarren, Sahith Theegala, and Brian Harman, who tied for 2nd. Svensson brings home $1.458mm, while T2 players take under half of that ($613k). No tournaments this weekend, but the Hero World Challenge is set for next weekend (Dec 1-4), which is hosted by Tiger Woods at Albany Golf Club in the Bahamas in support of the Tiger Woods Foundation.

Time Out For The Tea

New beau for Gisele?

• Rumor has it, Gisele Bünchen (recently divorced from Tom Brady) may be dating Joaquim Valente, her jiujitsu instructor. Gisele was recently seen in Costa Rica with Valente as well as her two children Benjamin and Vivian. Soon after, an insider reported that there is 'no truth' to the reports that they're together. Apparently the two have known each other for a while, dating back to early modeling days. Stay tuned but in the meantime, somebody please check on Tom…

Trailer for Tom Brady’s movie dropped…and it’s gonna be a thumbs down from us

• The trailer for Tom Brady’s movie, 80 FOR BRADY, finally dropped and fans are not all that impressed (to say the least). Some of the more tame responses include, “Wait… this isn’t a joke?”, “I would rather kill myself twice than see this movie.”, “0% on rotten tomatoes. If possible -9000%.”, “Hard pass.”

Kelly Stafford speaks out about NFL concussion fears

• Last week, Matthew Stafford, Los Angeles Rams quarterback, missed the Rams/Cardinals matchup after being placed on concussion protocol. Just days after, Matthew’s wife, Kelly Stafford, spoke out on her podcast The Morning after with Kelly Stafford about her fears of her husband continuing his NFL career. Kelly said “I’d give up the football, I’d give up the money, I’d give up the fame, his fame, I’d just give up everything. I don’t need that. I just need the man I fell in love with to be the same man for my kids and for the life that we’re gonna live.” Well, this past Sunday, all of her fears came true… just one week after being placed on concussion protocol, Matthew returned to the lineup, lasting less than three quarters before taking a sack and subsequently leaving the game for yet another concussion evaluation.

Must Watch This Week

Tuesday, November 22nd

• 🏀 7:30pm ET, Brooklyn Nets vs. Philadelphia 76ers

• 🎓🏀 8:00pm ET, #10 Creighton vs. #9 Arkansas

• 🎓🏀 10:30pm ET, #17 San Diego State vs. #14 Arizona

• 🏒 10:30pm ET, NY Rangers vs. Sacramento Kings

Wednesday November 23rd

• 🏒 7:00pm ET, Calgary Flames vs. Pittsburgh Penguins

• 🏀 7:30pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Boston Celtics

Thursday, November 24th (gobble, gobble)

• 🏈 12:30pm ET, Detroit Lions vs. Buffalo Bills

• 🏈 4:30pm ET, Dallas Cowboys vs. NY Giants

• 🏈 8:20pm ET, Minnesota Vikings vs. New England Patriots

Friday, November 25th

• ⚽ 2:00pm ET, USA vs. England

• 🏒5:30pm ET, Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

• 🏒 8:00pm ET, Seattle Kraken vs. Vegas Golden Knights

• 🏀 8:00pm ET, Sacramento Kings vs. Boston Celtics

Saturday, November 26th

• 🎓🏈 12:00pm ET, #2 Ohio State vs. #3 Michigan

• 🎓🏈 12:00pm ET, #9 Clemson vs. South Carolina

• 🏒 1:00pm ET, NY Rangers vs. Edmonton Oilers

• 🏀 5:00pm ET, Dallas Mavericks vs. Toronto Raptors

• 🏒 7:00pm ET, Toronto Maple leafs vs. Pittsburgh Penguins

• 🎓🏈 7:30pm ET, #5 USC vs. #13 Notre Dame

• 🏀 9:00pm ET, Utah Jazz vs. Pheonix Suns

Sunday, November 27th

• 🏈 1:00pm ET, Tennessee Titans vs. Cincinnati Bengals

• 🏈 1:00pm ET, NY Jets vs. Chicago Bears

• 🏀 6:00pm ET, Memphis Grizzlies vs. NY Knicks

• 🏀 6:00pm ET, Boston Celtics vs. Washington Wizards

• 🏈 8:20pm ET, Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles