Ball Girl #114: Your CFP Champ Weekend Cheat Sheet

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🏈 Ball Girl’s College Football Champ-Weekend Cheat Sheet 🏆

Alright Ballers, let’s talk about College Football Championship Weekend—a.k.a. the Hunger Games of the NCAA. It’s where conference champs are crowned and dreams of playoff glory either come true or crash harder than your long-term situationship (you know, the one you were convinced could turn into a relationship with enough time and patience.) Well, with the new 12-team playoff format (thank you, 2024 glow-up!), these matchups aren’t just about bragging rights—they’re about survival, redemption, and securing that oh-so-coveted bye week. Buckle up, because this isn’t just football. It’s drama, legacies, and possibly tears. Let’s dive in:

💥 SEC Championship: No. 2 Texas (11-1) vs. No. 5 Georgia (10-2)

“The Texas Two-Step of Revenge”

Remember when Georgia humiliated Texas in Week 8? Well in cased you missed it, Georgia’s defense turned Texas QB Quinn Ewers into Regina George post-bus collision (“I SAW CADY PUSH REGINA INTO THE BUS”). But can they do it again given their QB Carson Beck is giving major Gemini vibes—he is sometimes brilliant, sometimes a mess (12 interceptions in six games? Yikes). Meanwhile, Texas is trying to pull an Adele and rise like a phoenix from his Week 8 ashes. Can Georgia keep their title-dynasty status, or will Texas flip the script? Either way, this is the kind of high-stakes rematch that makes Bravo reunions look tame.

🦁 Big Ten Championship: No. 1 Oregon (12-0) vs. No. 3 Penn State (11-1)

“Speed Meets Smashmouth”

Oregon’s undefeated season is like that guy on hinge who looks too perfect to be true (like why is he single if he’s really that great!?) Enter Penn State, who wants to shake up that highlight reel with a gritty, smashmouth style.

Ducks QB Dillon Gabriel is calm under pressure, but Penn State’s Abdul Carter is ready to ruin his year. Carter’s like the girl at brunch who always “accidentally” brings up your ex—a game wrecker. For Penn State, it’s all about redemption. They’ve been third-wheeling behind Ohio State and Michigan for years, and they’re ready to be the main character.

Can Penn State drag Oregon into the trenches, or will the Ducks’ speed prove too slick for the Nittany Lions (yes this is actually their mascot)? Either way, this is a slow burn thriller worth watching.

🐾 ACC Championship: No. 17 Clemson (9-3) vs. No. 8 SMU (11-1)

“Clemson’s Mid-Life Crisis”

Clemson used to be the it-girl of college football, but now? She’s fighting for relevance against SMU, the newbie with big ambitions. Clemson QB Cade Klubnik is like that guy who peaked in high school—he’s got flashes of brilliance but struggles to keep it together under pressure.

Meanwhile, SMU’s QB Kevin Jennings is the new kid thriving in the spotlight (think Sabrina Carpenter on the VMAs stage). And SMU’s Brashard Smith? A walking, talking touchdown threat. The Mustangs are here to prove they belong, while Clemson is just trying to keep their fading dynasty alive. This matchup screams new money vs. old legacy.

🌵 Big 12 Championship: No. 15 Arizona State (9-3) vs. No. 16 Iowa State (10-2)

“Cinderella vs. History”

Arizona State is living the ultimate glow-up—picked last in the preseason poll, now playing for the Big 12 title. But Cinderella’s got a problem: Iowa State hasn’t won a conference title since the Titanic sailed (or rather sunk)

Arizona State’s RB Cam Skattebo is the team’s gritty MVP, but with WR Jordyn Tyson out, the pressure’s all on him. Iowa State’s offense is like a T-Swift breakup album—reliable, consistent, and full of hits. Can Arizona State keep the fairy tale alive, or will Iowa State finally rewrite history? It’s a storybook ending either way.

🏔️ Mountain West Championship: No. 10 Boise State (10-2) vs. No. 20 UNLV (10-2)

“Kings vs. Upstarts”

Boise State’s Ashton Jeanty is a literal human highlight reel. But UNLV has a QB, Hajj-Malik Williams, who is basically the guy you can’t stop swiping right on—dual-threat and unpredictable.

Boise’s legacy is on the line, but UNLV is ready to snatch that crown. Will the Broncos prove they’re still the Mountain West royalty, or will the Rebels make their big debut on the playoff stage? Either way, the stakes are spicy.

🏈 NFL: College ‘Ball Not Enough? Check Out the Pros for Some Bromances and Mastermind Coaches

• Seahawks at Cardinals, Sunday 4pm — Birds of the West Coast 

  Two teams so mid they make vanilla ice cream look spicy are about to duke it out to see who can claim the most whatever division in the NFL this season — the NFC West. Geno Smith and the Seahawks are just one game ahead of the Rams and Cardinals. Lose this one, and they might as well send the playoff ticket to Kyler Murray and the Cardinals — who, let’s be honest, no one thought would even show up to the party. Tune in Sunday to catch one of the weekend’s most underrated yet consequential games.

• Bills at Rams, Sunday 4:25pm — Battle of the Seans 

  The Bills are on fire — 10-2 record. Their defense is like that one friend who doesn’t let anyone do anything embarrassing at the bar (no big plays, no slip-ups), and QB Josh Allen and their offense make big plays, too. But their only two losses this season have been on the road, so maybe the Rams can catch them slipping. The Rams aren’t exactly the dream team they were in the 2022 Super Bowl, but with QB Matt Stafford and WR Cooper Kupp still in the mix, they’re always a threat. This one’s gonna come down to a “Sean-off” between coaches: Bills’ Sean McDermott and Rams’ Sean McVay. Both took over in 2017 and turned their teams into contenders faster than you can say “Super Bowl.” Who’s the real mastermind? Tune in to find out which Sean gets to wear the crown.

• Chargers at Chiefs, Sunday 8:20pm — Who will be the chump, who will be the champ

  Sunday night, we’ve got an AFC West showdown. If the Chiefs win, they’ll snag their 9th straight division title. Lately, they’ve been playing like me after a few margaritas — messy, but somehow still pulling it off. But RB Isaiah Pacheco’s back from injury, and QB Patrick Mahomes is allergic to losing. The Chargers offense is good but their defense is fire. It will come down to the bromance between QB Justin Herbert and rookie WR Ladd McConkey… unless Ladd is out due to injuries. Ultimately, coach Jim Harbaugh will no doubt bust out some wild plays to try to force the upset, like that one douchebag you know firing off “u up?” texts on a Saturday night. 

So there you have it, Ballers. Drama, history, and stakes higher than my holiday shopping bills. See you on the couch with a mimosa and a side of football-induced anxiety. 💅🍾