Ball Girl #116: Break-ins and Breakdowns

In case you didn’t get the memo: Ball Girl is back!

Your sports bestie is back, three times a week in your inbox with all the tea. And soon, even more entertainment on TikTok, Instagram, and Spotify (hard launch incoming shortly). TLDR, we’re becoming the Kardashians of sports news: we’re freakin’ everywhere. Whether you're here for the touchdowns, the drama, or just to have something new to talk about at the water cooler, we got you.

🏒 NHL Drama: The Rangers’ Collapse and Leafs vs. Devils Thriller

• Rangers in Free Fall: Once seen as Stanley Cup contenders, the New York Rangers are falling apart, losing eight of their last ten games. Most recently, a 2–1 embarrassment against the league-worst Blackhawks, and a meltdown against the Kraken, where they blew a 3–1 lead and let five unanswered goals in. Coach Peter Laviolette is fuming over their lack of execution. GM Chris Drury’s decision to trade Captain Jacob Trouba screams desperation. With a -15 goal differential over this nightmare stretch, their playoff hopes are on thin ice unless someone steps up to steer the ship.

• Leafs Edge Devils in Gritty OT Win: The Devils dominated the Leafs last night with 38 shots to Toronto’s 14, but goalie Anthony Stolarz turned into a brick wall, saving 37 and carrying Toronto to a 2–1 overtime win. Pontus Holmberg’s shorthanded goal gave the Leafs a chance, and Auston Matthews iced it with a gorgeous breakaway OT goal. For the Devils, it’s a gut punch; despite Palat breaking an 11-game goal drought and Nathan Bastian adding grit in his return, their inability to finish continues to haunt them.

🏀 NBA Check-In: A Quarter Season Snapshot

We’re 25% through the season, and oh, how the mighty and miserable stack up. Let’s break it down:

• Cavs Lead the Pack: The Cleveland Cavaliers are cruising at 21–4, thanks to Donovan Mitchell and Darius Garland lighting up the scoreboard, and defensive glue guy Isaac Okoro holding it down. Their +9.7 net rating (a fancy way of saying they outscore teams by nearly 10 points per 100 possessions) reflects their dominance, though their kryptonite is defending the three-point line, where opponents are torching them at a 46.8% clip in losses.

• Celtics Shooting Their Shot: The Boston Celtics are thriving at 20–5 behind their three-point-heavy offense, even winning games with stars Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown sitting out. Their deep-ball reliance is thrilling but risky, with potential for streaky performances in critical moments.

• OKC Thunder Surprise: The Thunder’s 18–5 record is built on elite defense, as they lead the league in opponent turnovers (19.2/game) and defensive rating (103.3). Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Jalen Williams are becoming a nightmare for opposing offenses, turning defense into quick points.

• Bottom of the Barrel: The Wizards (6–19) are struggling, with Jordan Poole doing his best but getting little help from Kyle Kuzma or their nonexistent defense. Injuries to Zion Williamson and Brandon Ingram leave the Pelicans (7–18) treading water, and the Jazz (8–17) are flopping despite Lauri Markkanen’s shiny new contract, with an offense that feels stuck in neutral.

🏈 NFL: Monday Night Football Recap

• Cowboys block punts… and their own dreams: QB Joe Burrow and the Bengals stomped on the Dallas Cowboys Monday night thanks to a huge Cowboys error. With the game tied and only a few plays left, the Cowboys blocked a punt by the Bengals. You’d think this would be good for Dallas, but they completely botched the recovery, like spilling your drink at the bar when you were trying to look cute. The Bengals recovered the ball instead, setting things up perfectly for Joey B., who connected with Ja’Marr Chase for a clutch TD to win the game. Bengals get the win... and the Cowboys? They should start practicing holding onto things — like punts, or hope, or dignity — anything, really.

🗞️ Gossip Report: Shaq’s Smash and Burrow’s Break-In

• Shaq Breaks More Than Ankles: During halftime of Bucks vs. Magic, Shaquille O’Neal turned TNT into a WWE match by crashing into and destroying a monitor while racing Kenny Smith to the analysis board. The laugh-out-loud moment overshadowed the Bucks’ narrow halftime lead (60–59) in the NBA Cup elimination game, proving once again why Inside the NBA is the MVP of sports entertainment.

• Joe Burrow’s Drama-Filled Monday: While Joe Burrow was torching the Cowboys with 369 yards, 3 touchdowns, and a Bengals win, chaos was unfolding at his $7.5M Cincinnati mansion. Olivia Ponton (you know… TikTok Star… Sports Illustrated Model… not his long time girlfriend…) discovered the break-in, calling 911 to report shattered windows and a ransacked bedroom. Ponton, who claims to work (!?) for Burrow (doing what, we don’t know), has fans buzzing about her presence at his home. Burrow was last linked to longtime girlfriend Olivia Holzmacher, with rumors of a ring floating around, but they haven’t been spotted together since January. Neither Burrow nor Ponton has commented, leaving fans to wonder if Burrow’s love life is as dynamic as his QB stats.

Happy Hump Day! See you Friday 🫡