Ball Girl #80: I look bad this Monday

So, I turned on the Buccaneers’ Press conference for one reason, and one reason only: to get the TEA on Brady’s absence from pre-season camp. Was it for the masked singer? Was it to prevent divorce? Well, I got no answers. Instead, I got a botched Brady. Like um... sir? Why do you suddenly resemble Kevin Bacon? I KNOW you can afford quality botox so WTF happened. Also why does he seem so rattled. WHAT’S GOING ON. I’m not even a Buccs’ fan and I'm concerned.

Can I have your number?

3: Number of PGA Tour Championships Rory McIlroy has won, including yesterday’s major dub at East Lake. This is a first in FedEx Cup history. McIlroy won in 2012, 2014, and now, 2022.

TLDRs

⛳️ Rory McIlroy won the Tour Championship yesterday after a massive comeback. He finished 21-under for the tournament. Sungjae Im and Scottie Scheffler finished T2, one stroke behind McIlroy. McIlroy took home $18 mil for his efforts, while Im and Scheffler each got $5.75 mil.

🏁 F1 is back baby, and fans were not disappointed. The Belgian Grand Prix was full of surprises with Max Verstappen finishing 1st (having started in 14th!) and Lewis Hamilton not finishing at all. Read on for more.

🎓🏈 You know why I love college football? Because any team can win any👏given👏game👏. That’s exactly what happened Saturday when Northwestern, the LAST ranked team in the Big Ten, stunned CFB nation by beating Nebraska, 31-28 in Dublin, Ireland. Call it luck of the Irish, or maybe we’ve all underestimated Northwestern… and overestimated Nebraska. Rumors are already swirling that Nebraska head coach Scott Frost is going to get the boot.

🏈 We may have another Deshaun Watson situation on our hands, folks… The Buffalo Bills released Matt Araiza due to allegations that he participated in the gang rape of a 17 year old last year… and we can’t even blame this one on the CTE, he’s a punter. Everyone’s looking at the Browns to see if they’ll sign him 🤮 (one man’s trash is another man’s treasure?).

⚾ Rookie Julio Rodriguez signed a MEGA contract extension (we’re talking over $200 million) to stay with the Seattle Mariners. The Mariners also won their series against the Cleveland Guardians this weekend, which means they hang onto a wild card spot in the National League.

⚽ Liverpool CRUSHED Bournemouth this weekend, 9-0, a score so high that its only ever happened THREE TIMES in Premier League history. Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp made a point to say they didn’t mean to "humiliate” their opponent, ha ha, but they sure did.

🎾 First round of the US Open starts today. Key matches to watch: For the men, Medvedev (#1 seed) vs. Koslov at 12pm. For the women, Kovinić vs. Williams at ~7pm.

F1

Max Verstappen is on track to becoming the Tom Brady of F1

• Football fans, come at me. I know TB’s untouchable. But let me remind you that Max Verstappen (Red Bull) has now won — outright WON — 9 out of the 14 races this season after yesterday’s victory at the Belgian Grand Prix.

• This win was not a gimme either: Verstappen had to start in 14th place after accepting a grid penalty in qualifiers for having too many engine parts. After dodging, ducking, and weaving through a messy starting grid, Verstappen finished a whole 17.8 seconds ahead of the next closest driver, who happened to be his teammate Sergio Perez. Red Bull got those waffles in Belgium!!

• Meanwhile, this Prix spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e for two of our other favorite main characters, Charles Leclerc (Ferrari) and Lewis Hamilton (Mercedes). Leclerc finished 6th behind teammate Carlos Sainz — ouch. To add insult to injury, this placement means that Sainz LEAPFROGS Leclerc to take 2nd place in the World Driver’s Cup (that competition of which driver has the most points at the end of season). Not Leclerc taking a backseat to Sainz…

• Lewis Hamilton, on the other hand, didn’t finish AT ALL after colliding with Fernando Alonso on just the first lap. He had the saddest, loneliest walk back to the paddock afterwards, but you know why I love homeboy? He owned up to the mistake & admitted, “he was in my blind spot, I didn’t give him enough space. It is my fault”. For the driver with the most world championships ever, how is he so humble?! Meanwhile Alonso was saltier than movie theater popcorn, telling the media the below:

• Perhaps the real highlight of the Prix happened before the checkered flag was even waved, when French inventor Franky Zapata pulled a Jimmy Neutron and FLEW over the track on a jetpack/hoverboard-like object. That is not a typo.

Must Watch This Week

Monday, August 29th

• 7:00pm, Chicago Cubs vs. Toronto Blue Jays, MLB

• 8:00pm, Pittsburgh Pirates vs. Milwaukee Brewers, MLB

• 9:45pm, Philadelphia Phillies vs. Arizona Diamondbacks, MLB

• 9:45pm, San Diego Padres vs. San Francisco Giants, MLB

Tuesday, August 30th

• 6:00pm, Baltimore Orioles vs. Cleveland Guardians, MLB

• 7pm, LA Dodgers vs. NY Mets, MLB

Time Out for the Tea

Vanessa Bryant pledges to donate earnings from LA County lawsuit to the Mamba & Mambacita Foundation

Kostek protects her man on recent ad for Brady’s underwear line

• Rób Gronkowski has really gone the distance this time for his friendship with Tom Brady… even modeling Brady’s underwear line with his Sports Illustrated girlfriend, Camille Kostek.