Ball Girl #96: Cause baby, now we got bad blood

Golden State Warriors, the 2022 defending national champions, have some serious team drama to work out. At the end of preseason practice, Draymond Green PUNCHED Jordan Poole in the face. Draymond was quickly reprimanded (and fined) for his unsportsmanlike and unteammate-like conduct. Here’s where Draymond really messed up, though: Poole is the golden child of the Warriors (he’s a literal baby, crazy talented, and a bigger flirt than my ex around blondes). Everyone knows — you don’t mess with mommy’s favorite!!!

Can I have your number?

6: It is the SIXTH week of college football, so which slate of games will be taking your boyfriend’s attention away from you all weekend? Easy top 2 for us. 1) Kansas vs. TCU. Both teams usually suck but are somehow undefeated right now??! College Game Day (TV show where a bunch of grown men sit and gossip like me and my besties at brunch about the game to come) is going to report live from Kansas for the first time ever. 2) Alabama vs. Texas A&M. In case you didn’t hear, Alabama’s HC Nick Saban and Texas A&M’s HC Jimbo Fisher have some serious beef. I’m not talking about a young filet, either. I’m talking about a wagyu that’s been dry-aged for YEARS. The two say they’ve moved on, but we all know; they’re really waiting to settle this on the field. 

TLDRs

🏁 This weekend, our drivers take on the Japanese Grand Prix. Haters gonna hate how non-competitive F1 is (cough cough, Red Bull, Ferrari and Mercedes basically own the sport), but they cannot hate the A-list destinations. The track, which was the first F1 track in all of Asia, is shaped like a figure 8, or for my basic girls out there, an infinity sign. This means LOTS of high-speed corners. Watch for the attractive men in more attractive cars in an even MORE attractive destination, if for nothing else.

⚾ Playoffs begin today! Read on for the Ball Girl preview.

⛳Shriners Hospitals for Children Open kicked off yesterday at TPC Summerlin in Vegas. After R1, Tom Hoge sits pretty at the top of the leaderboard, finishing 8-under for the day. Kim Si-woo and Maverick McNealy aren’t far behind, also having good first days, finishing 7-under. Patrick Cantlay (betting odds’ #1) lags behind, T21.

🏈 Russell Wilson and the Denver Broncos fell to the Indianapolis Colts in what can only be described as an absolutely flopulous display of football last night. Together, the teams scored zero touchdowns, seven field goals, six fumbles, fifteen penalties, four interceptions, and 10 sacks. Out of 6 scoring chances, both teams put up a goose egg. Real disappointing, especially for Russ who was supposed to swoop in and save the Broncos franchise.

MLB

MLB Playoffs Preview

MLB playoff games kick off today! To celebrate, here’s little preview into what is about to go down. We explain each team in terms of guys you’d run into at the bar on Friday night… So

Starting with the National League:

LA Dodgers

• The Dodgers are that flashy, young guy that waltzes in, goes right to the best table in the house, and orders bottle service all night. Everyone’s eyes are on him. He may/may not be a famous influencer. And he’s putting on a SHOW. The Dodgers blew the rest of the competition out of the water in the regular season and they’re stacked with young players hitting their stride — eg, Mookie Betts, Freddie Freeman, and Cody Bellinger.

Atlanta Braves

• The Braves are your hometown boy, a cool guy just looking to have a great time w his buddies. He lives around the block and comes to this bar a lot and is just a great guy. The Braves are a solid team every year, and have that all-american feel to ‘em — they’re a wholesome team with big talent in the likes of Ronald Acuna Jr. and Dansby Swanson.

St. Louis Cardinals

• This team is the old guy sitting in the corner who looks like he’s been coming to this bar since the 60s. They know all the bouncers and what to order, and at this point, they’re friends with the bartenders. Led by Albert Pujols, the Cardinals is stacked with old dudes who have been around the league for a while. They might not be the flashiest but they know how to get things done.

NY Mets

• Visualize this: the quintessential rich boy, walking in waving daddy’s money around. That’s the Mets (sorry about it). This guy’ll buy everyone in the bar a round, multiple times, and brag to you about how he spent his summer on a yacht somewhere in Europe. The Mets were bought by billionaire hedge fund manager Steve Cohen in 2021, who came in and bought the best (and most expensive) free agents, such as Max Scherzer, Mark Canha, and Eduardo Escobar. No surprise, now they’re one of the top teams in the league.

San Diego Padres

• The Padres are those guys that try a little too hard to be cool. Rolling up with a popped collar, chains, and that cologne that you can smell a mile away… but when it comes down to it, they’re not going home with that girl they’ve been wheeling all night. The Padres try to sign big talent and act like moneybags, but year after year, they flop.

Philadelphia Phillies

• The Phillies are your friend who got way too drunk at the pregame, but somehow stumble their way to the bar and manage to get in, despite a very judgy look from the bouncer. They don’t know how they got here but they’re about to have fun. The Phillies aren’t a super notable team, and they haven’t seen the playoffs since 2011 — the second longest dry spell in this playoffs batch.

Now for the American League:

Houston Astros

• If you’ve been paying attention to baseball at all the last couple years, then you know that the Astros are that friend who, once they get drunk, wreaks. havoc. They’re the villain of the night: throwing things, running around. You turn around and they’re offering you a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels that they took from the bar. Smh. The Astros have gotten in trouble in recent years for cheating, but they still manage to be a powerhouse team, year after year.

NY Yankees

• The Yankees are like the Dodgers if they got older and chilled out a bit. If the Dodgers are the Nelk bro influencers, then the Yankees are Don Draper… They’re suave, they’re cool, they don’t need to be flashy but you already know they have the best table in the house. The Yanks are an old school powerhouse team that is somehow always good. Call it generational wealth. And they have Aaron Judge.

Cleveland Guardians

• You know that one friend that never responds in the groupchat, but shows up to every pregame? That’s the Guardians. No one really knows what’s up with them, no one’s ever really paying attention, but somehow they’re usually in the playoffs every year. They used to be the Indians but changed their name this year.

Tampa Bay Rays

• The Rays are your broke friend who can’t afford to buy drinks at the bar so they smuggle in a flask. And somehow, they end up having the best time. The Rays organization is straight up poor compared to the rest of the MLB… so instead of getting good by buying up the best players, they work really hard to develop the players in their minor league system. They’re a team of randos, and it works, just like cheap vodka.

Seattle Mariners

• Remember being a teenager and using your fake ID for the first time? Yeah, that’s exactly the vibe of the Mariners rn. The last time this team saw the playoffs was 2001 (my little brother was born in 2002…). They’re a super young team, and they have no idea what’s going on … they’re just happy to be here.

Toronto Blue Jays

• The Blue Jays are all the 22 year olds that swarm the bars when they move to the city after graduating. They’re young, they’re hot, and everyone hates them for it. The best Jays players like Jordan Romano, Vladimir Guerrero Jr, and Alejandro Kirk are all young and will be around for a while. They’re the cool new kids on the block, and this season is just the beginning.

Must Watch This Week

Friday October 7th

• ⚾12:00pm ET, Cleveland Guardians vs. Tampa Bay Rays

• ⚾2:00pm ET, St. Louis Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Phillies

• ⚾4:00pm ET, Toronto Blue Jays vs. Seattle Mariners

• ⚾8:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. San Diego Padres

Saturday October 8th

• 🎓🏈 12:00pm ET: Texas vs. Oklahoma

• 🎓🏈 12:00pm ET: #17 TCU vs. #19 Kansas

• 🎓🏈 12:00pm ET: #8 Tennessee vs. #25 LSU

• 🎓🏈 8:00pm ET: Texas A&M vs. #1 Alabama

• ⚾12:00pm ET, Cleveland Guardians vs. Tampa Bay Rays

• ⚾4:00pm ET, Toronto Blue Jays vs. Seattle Mariners

• ⚾7:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. San Diego Padres

• ⚾8:00pm ET, St. Louis Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Sunday October 9th

• 🏈 4:25pm ET, Arizona Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Eagles

• 🏈 4:25pm ET, LA Rams vs. Dallas Cowboys

• ⚾2:00pm ET, Toronto Blue Jays vs. Seattle Mariners

• ⚾4:00pm ET, Cleveland Guardians vs. Tampa Bay Rays

• ⚾7:00pm ET, NY Mets vs. San Diego Padres

• ⚾8:00pm ET, St. Louis Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Time Out for the Tea

Giselle ditches the rock

• Amid rumors of Giselle Bünchen and Tom Brady hiring divorce lawyers, Giselle was spotted leaving the gym without a certain special rock on her ring finger. Kind of a difficult thing to just ~forget at home~.

Ex-PGAers kiss their throne spots away

• To make a very long story short… 1) There is something called the OWGR (Official World Golf Ranking). 2) Players must earn OWGR points in order to be ranked (aka, remain relevant) and therefore qualify for major championships. 3) LIV Golfers cannot earn OWGR points as the situation currently stands. Because of all of that, these professional golfers who have been long-time relevant are watching their ranking slip by the month, literally… since June, Phil Mickelson has watched his ranking drop from 72 to 134. Needless to say, this is causing a ton of drama… more to come on this, we’re sure.